The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part XI - The Proposal!

It's been 3 months since I got engaged and you would have thought with my absence that I've been completely busy!

To tell you the truth, I'm not really busy as much as I'm just basking in the glory of being a bride to be! The wedding date's fixed and so is the Venue and when the date is almost a year away, you have plenty of time to do stuff and you also have enough time to know the Man you're going to marry!

And THAT's what I've been busy doing.

So this guy, Shippie, has it all - it's like a dream. He sings, He plays the guitar, he's managed to convince me that Goa is an amazing place (I really hate Goa, you should know. Overrated!), he takes me out for movies, loves fine dining AND.... HE COOKS!

Mom - What a catch, Meenal!

Mee - What do you mean?

Mom - All these years I worried what you would do, when you got married? What would your mother in law think of me?

Mee - Think of you?

Mom - Yea! that I haven't taught you to cook.

Mee - Oh... Ok.

Mom - But now, when I see Shippie cook, I don't what to say. God has answered our prayers. We have to go to Goa and thank him personally! (you should know, We're goans and our HOME TEMPLE, Mangeshi, is in Goa)

Mee - God is in Goa? Like God put the GO in Goa?

Mom - Stop making fun. He is our God.

But honestly, to find this guy is really a blessing. I'm such a foodie and I just can't get over how amazingly well he cooks! Which reminds me of an evening, when I wasn't in the best of moods and I was to meet him. He had my car and I had to meet him at his place. If you're a girl, you would know how annoying this situation is!

In any case, I decided to go to his friends place,who lives right behind office before I headed to his.

Friend who lives behind office - Arre! why you're so glum? Look happy na!

Mee - What? I'm just fried man! And what do you mean look happy!

Friend (who is now smiling and giggly for no real reason) - Arre! Just, don't be so sad!

Mee - Ok. Anyway, I'm off to Shippie's house, I'm so..

Friend - NO! you can't go now!

Mee - What? Why not?

Friend - I mean go in sometime naa, you just came and you hardly meet me.

Mee - Umm.. I've been meeting you everyday for the last 3 days!

Friend - Haha! I mean, we haven't talked... come I'll give you Gossip.

Ok, you should know, I'm not really into Gossip so much. But yes! the G word does make me curious whenever it pops up. But no.. I dont like Gossip.

Mee - Tell...

She's trying really hard to come up with a juicy piece, but I don't think she's making a point or maybe, I was just having a bad day at work and I was getting annoyed about travelling all the way to Shippie (he lives really far away from my place)

Mee - Ok! Listen, I don't think I'm going to Shippie's! I'll just call him and cancel the plan.

Friend - WHAT? WHY?

Mee - you're yelling.

Friend - I mean... what? why?

Mee - Because... I'm tired and I just want to go home. I don't even have a car.

Friend - Take mine.

Mee - Tsk. I'm not really comfor..

Friend - oh cummon! Just take mine.

Mee - ok Gimme the keys!

Friend - WHat? you're leaving now?

Mee - Yes! It's 8pm, i need to go to his place, have dinner and reach my place by 10! Not happening if i don't leave now.

She still tries hard to make me stay, which is when I realise, something's fishy. I finally manage to wiggle my way out of her clutches (figuratively!) and head to his place.

I'm heading close to his house and I can see that his lights are off. Is he not at home? Oh! I'm going to be sooooo Mad! I pull over and get off. I'm about to ring the bell and I noticed the candle stand outside his main door all lit up and bright!

Mee (to myself) - Hmmm.. Strange!

Shippie's Mom (from inside) - Shippie! She's here!

Mee (to myself) - Ok! what's going on?

I ring the bell and Shippie opens the door, after what seemed like foreverrr..

Mee - Hey!

BIG HUG WELCOME! (I love his hugs!)

Shippie - Welcome to my Mansion, Lady! I hope you've had a good day!

Mee - Haha! Well, not exactly. But what's happening?

Shippie - Don't ask questions and just sit down.

The dining table is decorated with the finest linen and also has a candle. Ooooh! Candle light dinner! Nice!

Mee - Where's Mom and Dad?

Shippie - They've gone out!

Mee (what? he's lying! I just heard his mother!) - But... Umm.. I saw both the cars outside.

Shippie - Just stop asking question...

I start  to walk towards the kitchen...

Shippie (screams) - DONT COME HERE!!! JUST SIT OUTSIDE NAA!!!

Mee - Ooops! Ok! I just thought you'd need some help.

Shippie (walking out with a dish in his hand) - Here's something you'd like. Honey glazed chicken.. For starters!

Mee - Whoah! I love honey chicken.

Shippie - I know! (smiles!) -  Gosh! His smile is the cutest!

Soon the spread was out - Risotto, Honey chicken, Chicken with Mushroom sauce - I was thrilled, impressed, happy and most definitely, stuffed!

He kept asking me if I was OK! He kept checking on me. Was I Happy? Am i loving it? Am I Ok?

Mee - I'm fine, Shippie! I'm Happy. I'm loving this and I'm just feeling super nice!

Shippie (getting up, coming to my side of the table, beginning to get down on his knees) - Then I guess it's a good time to ask, Will you Marry me?

Mee (Of course I knew this was coming) - Hahahah!! Of course!! YES! I'd love to! 10 times over! :)

Every girl probably plans her proposal. Even though it's kinda the guy's job (Yes! I'm old fashioned!) but even if it's a surprise or not - such - a - Surprise, it's a moment every girl would remember.

I remember when my best friends got proposed and I would walk back home wondering what mine would be like - would it be a surprise holiday? Would it be in a park? Would it be a surprise at all?

But not once had my middle class maharashtrian tuned brain ever imagined (considering we're all brought up to think, we'll have to fo the cooking and cleaning while the men go out and work) that the guy who would propose to me, the guy who would want to live the rest of his live with me and the guy who would effortlessly cater to my tantrums, would ever Cook and Propose!

It still feels dreamy... It still feels unreal. But it's all true and it's all happening with a guy who loves to cook the food, I soooo love to eat!

Oh... and here's the ring! The proposal ring, of course, I got another one for my engagement ;)

The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part X

It's been a long time and I would think that you have assumed my mom's stopped looking. But that will never happen, unless of course, I find someone.

This is the 10th Chronicle and before i proceed to tell you what's up in this one, let me give you a round up of all the things MY MOTHER has done to ensure I find Mr. Right!

- Paid 6,500 bucks to some website called Shaadicentre, that pretty much looks like shaadi.com's step sister and mom kept thinking for the longest time that it was the same, until the annoyed rep from their end said WE ARE NOT SHAADI.COM. My mom demanded for her money back and the rep hung up on her.

- Paid Rs. 125 to a local marriage bureau that didn't even have computers. These were the guys that sent me profiles of software professionals and website designers in their weekly news magazine which comes to us by post and becomes moms favorite afternoon timepass literature.

-  Fought long battles with parents who insisted that their son had mailed me his pictures (which i never received) and my mom who most definitely, trusted her daughter more (thank god, for that!) said that she would only let their sons meet her daughter if the sharing of profiles and pictures was done from both sides. (GO Mom!)

- Constantly kept an eye out for Melaavas (the boy / girl Expo) and tried supremely hard to convince me that this was the best way to get the kind of guy we were looking for! "and just what kind of a guy are we looking for, MOM?"

Mom - You know, someone who is posh, good English speaking, who has gone abroad, who will be just like you into music and movies!

Please read my post - Shaadi.com Chronicles Part IV to know more about these Expos - Definitely, not finding ANYONE like that!

So Mom's pretty much done everything and more a mother of a single 29 year old would do. So it came as a surprise to her, when her Husband (AKA my father who didn't show any interest in my 'shaadi' dealings) told her that he had a friend, who has a friend in Pune, who has a son who works in the Merchant Navy and his parents were looking for someone. (long sentence, but i hope you get the gist).

I was in shock too and i knew there had to be a reason why dad suddenly showed soo much interest! So this is what I thought must have happened for my dad's friend to suggest this 'rishta'.

One night in bed, while mom tosses and turns and dad's snoring real loud!

Mom (screaming!) - Stop Snoring! i can't sleep..

Dad - Huh? Hmmm....

Mom - Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

Dad - Yes? what is it? why do you not sleep, my Princess? (Yes! I'd like to believe they're romantic when no ones looking!)

Mom - I'm not sleeping because I have a daughter who isn't married. She turns 30 this year and her father snores loud enough for the entire city to hear. Maybe i should request him to slip the message into his snores, so someone might like our daughter to keep her!

Dad - Relax! she'll get married when she feels like it, Love! (Yes! dad is on my side! Always)

Mom - Please! if she had to get married on her own, she would have married many years ago. Why are you soo care free? Do you not worry?

Dad - Hmmmppphhh.... Ok It's 2am, can we talk about this tomorrow, Darling?

Mom - Tsk! You're never going to talk about it. You don't care.

The next day in the morning, Dad is restless and probably has no clue how to begin the search, after an acidic dose from the wife. Suddenly, the phone must have rung... much like divine intervention! (this is what i assume happened, remember, we're still not sure what's happened!)

Dad - Hello 'Friend'!

Friend - Hi 'Friend'

Dad - How are you? how's Mumbai? (this friend lives in Mumbai!)

Friend - Arre! Relaxing, i bought a new Blah Blah and we  got a new Blah Blah and tomorrow my daughter's in laws are Blah Blah (in short, my life is Amazing) Tera kya chal raha hai?

Dad - Arre! What should i tell you - Biwi ne dimaag ki dahi kar di kal raat ko! Beti ki shaadi ko leke. Ye beti bhi dheeth hai, shaadi hi nahi kar rahi!

Friend - Arre re re re! Toh ab koi mil nahi raha?

Dad - Mil toh bahut rahe hain, lekin ladki ke demands kuchh atrangi type ke hai (Not that my dad speaks like this, but I'd like to believe that with friends this is the lingo used!)

Friend - Matlab?

Dad - Arre! English achhi honi chahiye, khaana waana nahi pakayegi, bachche nahi chahiye, duniya ghoomni hai!

Friend - Achha... Yeh demands ka toh pata nahi, but i have a friend in Pune, he has a son in the merchant navy, nice family, very nice in fact and their son is an amazing cook, has worked for a restaurant in his break between assignments on the ship. Maybe you want to share her number with the boy and take it forward?

Dad - Achhaa?? Number do!

AND THAT'S HOW MOM gets their number, she calls them and they decide that my number would be given to the boy and he would call me SOON.

Soon turned to 2 weeks and mom and dad had given up. They asked me a couple of times if he called and I had to say No!

Then one fine sunny day... my phone rings while I'm on my way to a meeting.

Mee - Helloo

Bass Voice, Deep, Hot! - Hi is that Meenal?

Mee - Yea! (OMG!)

Bass Voice, Deep, Hot! - Hi, My name's "Shippie"

Mee (of course, I know this name! It's been mentioned a  couple of times at home and it's not a random, common name. But still... A girl must not lose her dignity and show that she's eager!) - OK... (with Fake doubt in voice

BVDH - So.. yea! I was wondering if you were free sometime to have coffee?

Mee (Fainting in my heart, confidence in voice) - Ummm.. Coffee? Errr... I'm not sure if i know you. (A guy who can explain this to me, well... is the guy for me!)

BVDH - Oh! I'm sorry... Your dad gave me your number and asked me to get in touch with you... Ok! This is awkward... But I was to call you 2 weeks ago, but i went to kerala for a holiday and came back and fell ill. But yea, the point is I'm calling you coz your dad gave my dad your number and our meeting is to be arranged!

Mee (sniggering and huge smile on my face while this boy fumbles and stumbles through his schpeel!) - Oh Yes! Of Course, i know you (Muahahahahhah *Evil!)

Shippie - Yes! So let me know if you're free Saturday to meet up!

Mee (I think I created bad Phone impression! time to make up!) - Sure! (Big Smile in voice) Let's meet Saturday for sure!(Giggle! Giggle!)

So Saturday comes and we decide to meet on his side of town, since i was there for work lunch anyway...

I wait at the coffee shop for a bit... Trying very hard not to create a mental picture... He arrives and much like I had imagined - Tall, Broad and Nice looking! :)

We meet at 230, we chat up - He talks of sailing stories and his trips across the world. He has this constant smile on his face, He's honest and sweet...

We decide to sit inside the coffee shop, since it's supremely hot outside! We order coffee...

Shippie (while we wait for coffee) - Shit! It's damn hot huh! God! I sweat like a pig!

Mee (amazed at the honesty in the first meeting) - Hahahhaha! Wow! Perfect! That's what i was looking for. *sweats like a pig* Check!

And both of us laugh hard.... He's of course, Embarrassed! But he gets my humor and isn't offended when I crack jokes on him. I'm Impressed with what i see.

So this was the first meeting, lasted 2 hours!

Second time we decide to meet for a drink - Where my order for Rum and Coke seemed to have impressed him.. AND his family ;)

Third time we hit the buffet spread at Westin - He has an appetite and eats at Buffet! I'm impressed!

Fourth time he comes and picks me up for Late night coffee - Chivalry - LOVE IT! Mom of course, by now is wondering what the hell is happening.

Mom - You need to decide... YES or No!

Mee - Mom! I need time, he seems nice. But u cant decided in 4 meetings ! Gimme till the end of this month!

Mom - no in 15 days you gotta decide!

Mee - Gosh! ok!

I'm in dilemma... I needed to talk to someone... Bestie's in America! SO i decide to confront! How was i going to tell him, i didnt want to scare him, i wanted him to tell me what he thinks, I wanted to know if he was under the same pressure... So many things, so many questions..  had to throw up!

SO we meet again for dinner and I tell him that I have 15 days to decide. He seems a little shocked... But overall I feel like he's so in control of the situation.

Shippie - Well, we have hit it off... Just this feeling needs to Amplify!

Mee - Sure!

Shippie - So let's wait for 15 days, then we'll decide.

Enter - Uncle who introduced dad to this family. He calls and asks Dad what's happening? Mom panics and calls me in the middle of work and demands an answer from me, RIGHT AWAY!

Mee - What about 15 days???

Mom - No tell me now! Are you going to marry him or not? (Hang on! This is not how I Imagined MY proposal!)

Mee - Ummm.. ok, you know what! I'm ON! I think he's nice! I can live with nice!

Mom (Pause for what seemed like forever! I don;t think she was ready for this!) - Ummm.. Listen, are you sure? I mean no zabardasti! Take your time if you want to!

Mee - What?!?!?! First you hurry me up and now when I'm saying I'm ok, you're asking me to take my time! (I'm furious!) No! I think I'm sticking with I'M OK with this arrangement.

Mom - Wow! ok!

Hung up!

And now I'm panicking! What did i just do??? Shouldn't I have waited for him to say something! What was the sign I was looking for?? Were there going to be Violins? Will there be lightening? Does he even 'like' me? Do i 'like' him? Well, i mean, there was some connection... was I supposed to use that as a sign? Why was i asking for 15 days more? What would have changed?

I decided to call and transfer the panic to somebody else!

Shippie - you did what??? What about the 15 days?

Mee - umm.. sorry, i was at gunpoint!

Shippie - ok! See.. i guess we've hit it off, so i guess... Ok dad's calling. I'll talk to you laterr...

Ok, news has spread.... And i guess the one ray of hope I saw seemed super far away and it was only moving further!

I distract myself at work. Excel sheets, PPTs - I've never loved them as much before! Gtalk ping...

Shippie - So dad called and asked...

Mee - Ok...

Shippie - I guess, I've given my green signal too..

Mee - Oh Ok...

Shippie - Sooo.. what should I say? Welcome to the family!

I'm kinda feeling Nothing! Actually, the first thing I felt is relief! I head to the washroom to wash  my face! Almost like i washed off everything my life's been through, in one wash. To be honest, this is a feeling I've never felt before. It felt nice, but I was nervous too. I was excited but Anxious! I was calm but there was a storm inside.

Lots has happened since... Families have met once and put us in strange, awkward situations! I have this nice, warm feeling about everything that's happening around me. It feels nice to see people look at you sooo differently. It feels great that everyone feels so happy for you. It feels awesome that Mom doesnt look so stressed anymore - She's only wondering if the websites and Marriage Bureau's would give her money back - but all in all, she's happy!

But what feels most amazing is that this one time, I'm not in this alone. I know I have another one just like me -  going through all this confusion, having trouble explaining how it feels, trying to be formal / informal, getting comfy and wondering if this was too fast too soon.

Mom concludes saying "In the end, your dad is the winner! He beat me to the hunt!" She was surious to know if i was OK.

Mom - How do you feel?

Mee (didn't want to lie, didn't want to show confusion, how was i going to do it... what was i sure of?) -

I feel... Right!  Just Right! :)

The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part IX

I guess one in every 10 guys is, almost, made for me! I (i mean, mother) finally found a boy who spoke well (almost, barring a few grammatical errors, but that is forgiven), decided to meet at a decent coffee shop and also offered to come to my side of town to meet up!

Background - 2 months ago i had mailed this boy my details (pictures, horoscope, etc.). I received no reply and my persistent mother followed up until his father got a little annoyed and declared "Our is a Manglik and we're only looking for Manglik girls!"

Mom - Gosh! i can't believe i was upset for a second that you weren't Manglik! But don't worry, don't worry, we don't want you married into a family that thinks like that anyway. You don't take stress.

Mee (looking fully confused!) - Whaaa? stress? why? I didn't even know the guy and i don't even know what you're talking about!

Current scene - last week, this boy's mother calls my mother and says "we have received your profile and i think we should let our children meet before we meet. SO here is my son's number!"

Quick Lesson i learned - When parents are over 60, DO NOT trust their memory!

Mom (on the phone, while i'm at work) - Listen! I've given your number to this "SURNAME" boy. He will call you.

Mee - "SURNAME"??? i thought you said they didnt want a non Manglik or some shit!

Mom - Yea YA! I Know, but they've called now. Meet him and see naa..

Mee - See what? If Mangliks and Non Mangliks can actually mingle and be MINGLIKS??

Mom - I thought you don't believe in horoscope! what is all this now?

Mee - I dont believe in horoscope but I believe in Self respect! Just because in the last 2 months they didn't find a suitable Manglik girl, they decided to take the last option available!

Mom - Phisssh! what rubbish, just meet this boy and see.

Every time my mum says that I have this mental image of me 'seeing' some guy from far away, coming back home and saying "I didn't like what i saw and so i didn't Meet!"

Finally the day has arrived, when "SURNAME" boy calls. The reason I'm calling him Surname boy is because his SURNAME is super funny - that's the only reason why, i actually remembered him when my mother brought his name up after 2 months!

So he calls..

SURNAME Boy - Hi! Is this Meenal?

Mee - Yea! who's this?

SURNAME Boy - This is Name... Name SURNAME!

I couldn't utter a word! I was holding back  my laugh! Not only did his name sound funnier when he said it. His voice was that of a girl! My voice sounded like a man's in front of his!

Disclaimer - Sorry! but I work in the field of communication, where quality of voice is top of mind focus! What i just heard could not have been the voice of a MAN.. a man MAN!

Mee (coughing) - Oh hi! How are you?

SURNAME BOY with Girl Voice - I'm fine. Your mother asked me to call you and fix up a time to meet.

Mee (Wow! My mother instructs other's kids, since she has no control over her own! heheheh!) - Yes! Yes! So when would you like to?

SURNAME BOY with Girl Voice - You tell me, Saturday?

Mee - Sure! where?

SBGV - Where do you stay?

Mee - Hadapsar, you?

SBGV names a PLACE SUPER FAR AWAY FROM MINE!

Mee - Ok. I must tell you I'm not really feeling too well these days. Possible for you to come to my side?

SBGV - you want to meet some other time, I'm ok with that

Mee - No No! I'm Fine! It's cool. I'll see you in Camp? It'll be equidistant.

SBGV - Sure! but i dont know anything in Camp!

GOSH! i hate guys who can't seem to find their way around the place! But in the words of a dear friend "Sometimes you have to make them the man you want them to be!" So i voluntarily decided (in case, this She Boy was the guy i was going to be stuck with) to start the process from now.

Mee (taking a deep breath) - You can ask around. SGS Mall is pretty popular!

SBGV - OK! so see you there at 7?

Mee - yes!

Saturday comes and Mom wants to know what I'm wearing, if I'm going to the parlour, What am i going to ask him.

Mom - Don't say anything about the kids thing.

Mee - Mom! Relax! Ive stopped saying that - got enough grief from friends about that!

Mom - And also the cooking!

Mee - THAT! I'm not going to lie about... I don't know how to cook and in case, he's looking for someone who does, i don't want him to assume I'm Tarla Dalal!

Mom - Listen! I taught you Hindi in 15 days - to read and write! I can teach you how to cook!

Mee - That's different Maa... i was 8! I'm 29 now.

That is all it took for her to start...

Mom (literal translation from Marathi to English) - you've become a 29 year old Horse! you still don't know how to cook! (neither does a horse!) if you want to get married also, you want the boy to speak English (well, that's the basic, isn't it!) in our time, most boys spoke only Marathi (so not true, the British were all over the place! i could have been born to a Mr. Smith! i would have been originally English!), look at your father today speaks English and Arabic also (that's true!). I don't think you want to get married (That's not true! I'm just not in a hurry!)

It's 6pm and I'm still lazing in bed watching The Holiday, dreaming of a Jude Law who'll stand at my door when i randomly open it and say "Hello Gorgeous! You and I are meant to be, so will you be mine forever!" and those pudding-y eyes and the dreamy accent is what I will live with forever

My phone rings and I crash land to reality.

SBGV - I've just left. Since i don't know how long it will take, you make the judgement and reach accordingly.

Mee - Sure!

HUNG UP.

So maybe i wasn't clear with what i wanted - I don't want a boy who just knows how to construct his sentences well. I need him to be a MAN too! Anyway, got out of bed, showered and left.

I've reached and I'm waiting but thankfully, not for too long. He enters - Huge body, small face, Man boobs included and small swallow like voice!

Mee to myself - Don't be judgemental! He maybe a  nice guy... Don't look at these flaws. Look at you and your huge ass and spots on face and extra teeth, you could scare this Shrek off!

So we settle... I'm still not ready to talk. I'm feeling a little disillusioned (Note to self - please watch Dubbed south indian  movies before meeting boys, that kinda lowers the bar of expectation)

SBGV - Soo... This is the first time i'm meeting a girl!

Mee - I'm sure! (Smile)

SBGV - So... What are you expecting from marriage?

Mee (stumped! I'm the one who asks this question, never prepared myself for an answer, but i think it was time to set the record straight with all the boys who never wrote back to me, who hid behind their mothers pallu and followed only what they said, who used horoscope as a means to reject a girl they didn't really think was pretty!) - Well, i'm not soo sure about what I expect from a Marriage, but yes i do have certain expectation from the MAN i will marry.

SBGV - Ok. Yes! That's what i meant. Like what?

Mee - Well, initially i had no clue, but now i have certain basics... For example he should be courteous!

SBGV (confused) - Courteous?

Mee - Yea! like when i send a mail to the boy, he should have the 'courteousness' to reply and say he received it and he would get back if he was interested.

SBGV (looking guilty) - Oh then i must apologise, that i didn't reply. Actually i've been very busy.

Mee - YES! you should apologise.I'm extremely busy too. I head a radio station - i have enough crazy people to deal with! Secondly, I need to be his first choice.

SBGV - Meaning?

Mee - Meaning i can't send someone my profile 2 months ago and after he's seen a million girls 'settle' for me. Your mother  made it pretty clear that you wanted only a 'manglik'. 2 months later, im assuming, after you havent found a suitable Manglik you approach my mother, who seemed very keen and didnt care about this manglik nonsense and asked if we can meet. Again, you still think that you can make the decision.

SBGV - No no! I dont believe in this Manglik... only my moth..

Mee - I think you should tell your mother that, because they're looking for Mangliks! Which brings me to my third expectation, i need the boy to be truthful and open with his parents. If he's not in favor of anything, he needs to be clear. I dont want to be  vicitim of Mother in law injustice and have my husband go with the flow... If you know what i mean!

SBGV - Yes! Yes! i mean that will not happen.

Mee - I'm sure it wont. But these are certain basic expectations. Also, I'm curious... You received my profile, TWO MONTHS AGO and you didn't feel the need to reply but 3 days ago when you called to ask if we could meet, you still didnt feel the need to send me YOUR profile so i could take a look and decide if i really wanted to meet or not. If you suited my profile or not? So my next expectation is pretty basic - i need to be treated equally. So these are pretty much the things i need out of a man or ANY relationship for that matter.

SBGV - No your mother actually showed a lot of interest in my profile... so.

Mee - Yea! 2 months ago... Your mother called last week.

SBGV - No it's not like that... I  mean. You know I'm really very busy - i work 1pm - 10pm everyday and i have this new project i work on weekends.

Mee - I'm sure you're pretty busy. (wanted to continue to say "which is why i think you might be busy even now and i wouldn't want to hold you up" and storm out in true Hollywood style but I'm not really THAT mean!)

SBGV - Ok.. would you like to have some coffee?

Mee - I've just had lunch soo... But ok, i guess a cappuccino.

We head to the counter and i insist again on going dutch, but boy wants to pay and this time, something inside me says LET HIM! He's a dick and you're never going to see him ever anyway!

Also through out the evening, he kept insisting on asking me to tell him if there was anything i needed to tell him!

Questions like..

"How come a girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend?" - What is that supposed to mean??
"You can tell me anything you like!" - YEa.. Right!
"You seem like a workaholic! Work life balance should also be there no?" - FUCK OFF!
"I spend my entire weekend out of the house!" - If hell freezes over and I marry you, i'll look forward to my weekends!
One more time, "Let me know, if you want me to know anything!" - What the hell is he trying to get out of me! So i finally give in, i thought hard  - what was it that i really needed to tell this guy!

"I Drink!" I declared!

SBGV - Oh That's ok! I drink too. But only thing is, I don't come in front of my parents when I drink!

Mee - Like you don't drink with your parents around!

SBGV (lets out a laugh) - No ! No! that toh never! who can drink like that?

Mee - Uhh.. Me! We have a bar at home. We drink Sunday afternoons!

SBGV - No no we are not so modern at home. But I drink outside and make sure i dont come i front of my parents.

Mee - Woah! I don't drink that much. I said I drink, I don't get Drunk and i'm not an alcoholic!

SBGV - No No! even i am  not...

Mee - I'm Sure!

So this ended the meet. I had nothing to say to him except "Please don't expect me to give my response to this meeting, first. You can get your parents to call and give feedback to mom!"

I finally feel a little free. I go home and tell Mum everything, half expecting her to be pissed about why i needed to be so rude!

Mom - Very good! What do they think? How can they behave like this! I get so angry when we email and we dont get response. And good...Good! You told him that you didn't find a girl now so you're calling me! Very good!

Love you Mom!

(This post dedicated to Mom, for Mom's Day! I'd be nothing without you Mommy!)

The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VIII

While watching Jab We Met last night, i realized that all this false hope about finding the right person, has been given to me by BOLLYWOOD!! I mean  my parents never told me there would be somebody supremely perfect, insanely funny, totally adorable and tall enough that will meet you on one of your random vacations and will take to you instantly, so as to want to keep you happy forever!

But for Geet, it happened! She had an Anshuman (which i've had to!) but he actually decided to get back with her after she finally called him and dumped him! Now THAT, never happens with me! Another thing that would never happen to me - Shahid Kapoor!

This weekend's been quite an eye opener! Mom was extremely excited about one boy for the last 2 weeks! Tall, dark and Handsome (according to her) Works with a bank (in the IT dept. - EEKSS) and... Nope! There is no more. This is the guy's profile - My Mom thinks, this is enough for me to agree to live the rest of my life with this boy.

Mom - If you reject this guy, i surrender! i just dont know who you want!

Mee - What? what do you mean? is it not enough that I'm agreeing to meet boys for marriage when i totally think that Marriage happens when it's supposed to!

Mom - O god! do no start with your philosophies, i've seen more life than you have!

I made a face and that ended the conversation.

So i received an email with pictures from Mr. Banker, who isn't really a Banker! I didn't want to be the shallow person, so i sent his picture to a couple of friends / cousins to see reactions - "creep!", "Are you mad?", "Please Meenal, you might not be Aishwarya, but we have genes that will make you look 25 for the next 15 years! He looks 50 already, another 3 years and you will look like father - daughter!"

Now, with those reactions, i just didn't seem to enthu to meet this boy. Actually i haven't been enthu about meeting boys lately... Every time i meet one, it just leaves me disillusioned! So i told my mum, i wasn't quite interested in meeting.

Mom - What? i gave him your number, he might call you anytime to fix up a meeting.

Mee - Oh.. Ok! But...

Mom - Sometimes, the guy might not look right in pictures, but he might seem fine when you meet him and besides at 30, you can't expect to meet some young fellow!

Mee - I'm 29 and I'm still young! So i can expect to meet someone who is young!

Mom - Ohho! Just meet him, you never know..

Made face - Conversation ends!

4 days later i get a call...

Banker boy who isn't really a banker - Hi Meenal

Mee - Yes?

Banker boy who isn't really a banker - XXX here.

Mee - ok.

Banker boy... - Your mother gave me your number

Mee - oh ya! what's up?

BB - I called to fix a time on Saturday, will you be free?

Mee - YEa, sure! where? and what time?

BB - 630 at Vaishali!

Mee - Ok (Oh no! What if i meet someone there??)

Anyway, this conversation happened in Marathi and English - He spoke Marathi, I spoke English.

Ok! you should know i have this reservation about speaking in Marathi with strangers. Not like i speak badly, but i'm just conscious. So I'm automatically conversing in English.

Come Saturday, my house is back to being excited. "What will you wear?", "Please! go to the parlor!", "don't be judgmental!", etc.

So i decided to leave home early, catch a film, visit the parlor and then go meet boy.

Watching a movie was a super bad idea - All those hopes came flying back! Prince Charming, perfect Man, funny boy... AAArrrrggghhh!!!

Battling traffic, phone calls and mad cops on the road, I've finally reached Vaishali!

There he is! Looks at me, awkward, doesn't know what to do and BAM! all that hope about meeting the right guy just came crashing down. This guy is not just shy but he's so unsure of what to do, it makes me want to take his head and slam it on Anna's cash counter!

I reach out my hand, shook his hand - "What's up?"

BB - Hello!

Mee - :) should we go in?

BB waddles in, wondering if he should let me go first or should he lead? GODDD!! in the process, I slam into people walking in and out of the restaurant.We both look at each other and smile (I'm actually rolling my eyes too)

Of course, this isn't  a movie, so Vaishali is not miraculously empty on a Saturday evening - So we wait for a table. I decide to stop being a bitch and initiate conversation.

Mee (in English) - So... How often do you come here?

BB (in English) - What?

Mee (deep breath) - How often do you come here?

BB (confused) - Errr... 630!

I let out a laugh, saw him notice and then camouflaged it with a Cough and looked left - right!

Anna leads us to a table... we sit ourselves and we're given the menu.

BB (in Marathi) - what will you have?

Mee (already decided) - Cutlets! What are you having?

BB (in English) - Actually, I'm fasting!

Mee - What? are you serious? Like you fast on Saturdays?

BB - Yes!

Mee - But Saturday nights are the best nights!

BB (smiling & in  Marathi) - I fast on Saturdays and Mondays and on important Thursdays!

Banker Boy who isn't really a banker RECHRISTENED to FASTer FENE!

Mee (wondering what to say next) - Oh! So you're really not going to eat anything?

Faster Fene (in English) - I think, Sabudana Wada!

Anna is here to take order - I rattle off my order, point my finger to FF and demand for a "sabudana Wada" - Anna asks if we want chai or coffee - i say no, point my finger at FF and he nods and i say "nahi! bus itna hi! Jaldi leke aaiye!"

Oops.. Why did I have to say Jaldi?? Anyway... Now that i had taken the scene in my control, I was obliged to ask the next question.

Mee - So what do you do?

FF - I work with "bank", in the IT

Mee (trying very hard to not make a face, since I'm allergic to IT guys) - Oh! So you're one of those IT guys who solves everything by asking the staff to restart their computers if anything goes wrong? Hehehehehe!!

FF (looking confused) - He! He! We're actually back end support staff.

BACK END SUPPORT?!?!?!?!? I've heard that term before, but when this guy said it, I suddenly got some howlariously funny mental images!

Mee - So, how many siblings do you have?

FF - Sorry?

Mee - How many brother / sisters do you have?

FF - I have one brother he works with "Software Company"

Mee - ok! So you are Back End support meaning like software stuff?

FF - yes.. (SOFTWARE JARGON in horribly framed sentences in ENGLISH!)

Mee (not understanding a word) - Oh! Actually i have one brother and he works with Barclays too. I think Barclays also has a software division right?

FF - yea!

Mee - Though he's not in Software, he's the country head for the credit department.

FF - oh!

Food is here... i waste no time in attacking the Cutlet!

FF (decided to do some question asking) - So How many siblings do you have?

Mee (choked on my bite, funny how he used siblings, and didn't get it when i said it!) - I just told you, i have one brother.

FF - this one works with Barclays?

Mee - Yes! (were you even listening?) He's married and has a 6 yr old.

Awkward silence...

Mee - So how many girls have you met so far?

FF (smiling) - Around 20!

Mee - Wow! You're my 8th!!

FF smiling and eating.

Mee - So what else interests you?

FF - No! How about you, no one interested in you?

Long Silence from my end - i have no clue how to answer that question! Cleared my throat...

Mee - Well, it's not always that one finds someone interesting... Which is why I've let my mother do the hunting. (Pause) So what are you expecting out of your wife? (I'm sick of asking these questions! This boy is BORING!!!)

FF (in Marathi) - Regular stuff - should be educated, must know how to have work life balance, must take care of my family... buss.. that's it! You?

Mee (not interested in anymore conversation) - Yea! me too, the usual! (i start looking here and there, I'm also wondering why doesn't want to know what  I do! So i decide to ask myself. I've had it with men not wanting to know about my profession!) So don't you want to know what i do? like for a living?

FF - Yes! yes! i know... That FM, no? you are with 91., right?

Mee - 91. ONE! yes!

FF - I know I know. ( Smiles and feels supremely confident about how he knew just about that much... )

I've finished eating, I look out for Anna, signal him for the bill and almost like my prayers were answered, my phone rings. I excuse myself, and answer it.

Friend - Hellooo!! whats up?

Mee - Nothing Much! Can i call you back?

Friend - Arre! Listen naa... call me whenever, just tell me if you know people in the sales or Marketing of radio stations in Delhi!

Mee - ummm.. yea i do! I'll call you in exactly 10 mins, I'm in the middle of something!

I hang up and he pretty much gets the picture - I want to leave, NOW! The bill is here, he reaches out for it...

Mee - You want to go dutch on this?

FF - Hein?

Mee - you want to split it?

FF - What? I cannot get you!

Mee (and i'm glad you will never GET ME!) - Half half karna hai kya???

Too late, by then he's already taken his 100 buck out and paid it and he nods and says - No! No! It's OK!

We head out, say bye and start walking in the same direction - WEIRD!!!!

It got way to uncomfortable to be walking along with him, so i decided to head into a roadside store and pick something up.

"Iss Free Cutlet ka Udhaar mere sir pe hameshaa rahega!" Maybe i need to meet another guy and pay the bill and rid myself of this obligation!

Mom was very upset. She can't seem to fathom what I want!

Mom - This boy was perfect! he earned as much as you, he was tall (not really!), looked mature (you mean old!) I just don't know what you want...I give up!

I feel sorry for Mom, she's trying real hard. We both wept a little that night - I struggle every time I see the defeat on my mother's face, when i come back from such meetings. And this time, i know, Mom's not able to deal with this Defeat!

Sunday Morning, i get up and rush to her - to see if she's OK.

Mom - Good Morning! I'm wondering if we should go meet that boy in Kothrud! What do you think? They have a factory in Mulshi!

Mee - Of course! :)

Mom's back and life feels normal...

The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VII

My family thinks that i'm way too 'forward and 'modern' for traditional mediums like match makers and matrimonial websites! So my uncle decides to call me and introduce me to a new medium, he emails me -

Dear Meenal,

I would like to invite you to a Senior Golfers' lunch party on Sat the 31st March at Poona Club Golf Course at Yerawda.Dont get frightened, I am not asking you to marry any of them (Ya! Marrying a senior golfer isn't as exciting as marrying tiger woods!i'm not sure even if THAT is exciting anymore!) but I wish to introduce you to them so that they will have you in their mind whenever their relations are looking for a good girl like you to match an alliance with their sons. (Aaah!! the sons!)

Pl think over and talk to me. (Think over, i did!) There will be some 30 people attending and many of them are Retired Army Officers having eligible sons in the army or elsewhere.(what could elsewhere mean?? interesting...) I am sending you a copy of my invitation to SeniorS for your information.

Love, kaka

So while I mentally decided to go, i forgot to call my uncle and tell him i was coming - 

Uncle on Friday evening - Hello! You never called to tell me if you were interested to come.

Mee - Ya! Ya! i'll see you tomorrow, what time?

Uncle - 1030 - 11am, it's early Lunch

Mee - HEIN!! Brunch you mean?

Uncle - Yes! looking forward to seeing you, bye!

So while I Looked forward to meeting 'Gerries' of a different kind, i also had another alliance waiting for me and yes! he too was of a different kind. 

Boy who panted heavily into the phone - Hello!!! *BREATH BREATH* Meenal?

Mee (annoyed!) - Yes! who's that?

Boy continues to pant - This *BRE is ATH* 'Name'! *BREATH*

Mee (now i could kill this Perv!) - ok! why are you talking like that?

Panting Boy - Actually your mother gave me your number, i'm 'Name Surname"!

Mee (slightly freaked out by this new boy) - Ohhh! Ok! Do you want to catch your breath and call me later?

Panting Boy - Actually, i'm very nervous! and my mother said we have to go to this girl's house... So..

Mee (not knowing how to react to a boy who is nervous on the phone i let out a laugh ) - oh don't worry! Trust me! it's fun!

PB (laughing nervously) - Oh oh! actually I'm not comfortable meeting the family, so can WE only meet first and maybe then our families can  meet?

Mee (wow! pretty brave for someone who is shitting bricks on the phone! Impressed with the effort) - Sure! when do you want to meet?

PB - Tomorrow evening?

I agreed and now i have 2 meetings lined up for Saturday - The Geriatrics Meet and Panting Boy! - Similarities? MANY!!

So here i am staring at my wardrobe, wondering what golfers would like to see their prospective Daughter in law to look like?

Mee - A summer Dress?

Bhabhi - Chaaah! ( a very maharashtrian way of saying "are you mad?")

Mee - Salwar Suit?

Bhabhi - Umm... no! something new age?

Mee - THIS?

Showed her a dress we both agreed on! (Sorry i'm skipping the fashion details - it wasn't really the most exciting dress!)

I get ready and i head out to the Golf Club, as soon as i reach I just find it super funny that i'm here to be on display! 

Mom (Before i left) - Please Laugh with your hand on your mouth and don't make a sound! All the Best!

Did she mean i often, laugh sooo loud that i let out some wind?? I didn't get it!

Anyway so here i am standing at the entrance of the restaurant with my uncle (the sweetest ever) staring at people old enough to have GRANDchildren! Which technically means there are no prospects, only long lasting "in my time" conversations! My Uncle introduces me to the hosts, who tell me that their son has had a recording studio in Mumbai for many many years and i promptly make a mental note to take his number down for TEJAS MENON's internship! (You owe me one Tejoo!)

The best part about these parties is drinking isn't taboo! Hell! Taboo was the exact opposite of what this party was... The drinks were flowing and i was going with the flow...

"Oh! You are Pramod's Daughter?" asked a gentleman. While another was interested in coming to my radio station to see how it works!

"I have no sons! but you are lovely" Scared the shit out of mee, what did he mean by that?

"You seem to be so friendly and nice! you have a pretty smile, anyone will Marry you!" Gosh! This feels like such a desperate attempt!! Suddenly i'm not liking what's happening! and I'm gulping some more of that cool Shandy on Offer! :(

So after 2 hours of being told about stories in Ladakh and meetings with the Lama! I decide to make a move and bid farewell to my new old Friends! :) Alcohol can turn the meanest enemy into Friends!

Time for Meeting Number 2 - 

I really needed a nap before i headed out to meet PB. I hadn't stored his number and i randomly SMSed somebody on my Call Log asking if we could meet at 7pm instead of 6, since i had to tend to something urgent and would only get free by 630!

Clearly, the SMS never reached him and he calls me at 6.

PB, still freaking panting!!! - Hi Meenal! I've reached what are you wearing?

Mee (almost spat the water out of my mouth, what kind of question is that?) - Uhhh.. Umm.. actually i did send you an SMS, but it's all right, i'll be there in 15 mins.

And as promised i was there in 15 mins - he had warned me that he was wearing a red checked shirt - Had he not i would have totally, gone to the only other guy in the coffee shop - Gosh ! he was pretty hot! but knowing my luck, i'm always getting the Loser! In This case, Panting Boy!

6:05pm

He stood up,shook his hands (thank god! no Sweaty palms!) and we sat.

Mee - Soo... what's up? how are you?

PB (laughing) - uhh.. actually i dont know what to say. this is soo uncomfortable!

Mee (now getting very annoyed with him for being soo low on confidence!) - Listen! relax! it's cool! I'm not really going to shoot you, if you don't match my expectations. (smile) So what do you do?

PB - SOFTWARE ! SOFTWARE! SOFTWARE BLAAHH BLAAH!! MORE SOFTWARE SOMETHING! 

6:09pm

Mee - ok! Sorry! i'm not really so much into software, so i don't get any of that shit! Sorry... i didn't mean Shit! Stuff...

PB - You know, this family meeting was very uncomfortable for me - its embarrassing when someone is checking you out all the time.

Mee - You do want to get married?

PB - Yes!

Mee - and arranged?

PB - yes! 

Mee - then you better get used to it, My Friend! 

PB - No No! i will never...

Mee - im couting 1 - 10 - he is pissing me off!

6:12

Mee - So what are you looking for? What kind of a person would you like, since that's one advantage in an arranged marriage!

PB - Ya YA! i want an understanding and Mature person

Mee (waiting for something more) - uhh.. but that's what everyone wants, i haven't met anyone who wants an immature person and throws a tantrum! Can you be specific?

PB - Uhh... Err... BREATH BREATH... Yaa Understanding like - uh... Umm.. Meaning.. like...

Mee (staring at him for another 2 minutes while he had his moment of verbal PUKE!) - You know what! I'll tell you what i'm looking for, maybe then you'll get an idea about what i mean, when i say can you be specific!

PB - Ok! ok!

Mee - So i'm looking for someone who is supremely funny! Great sense of humour! If he's not funny, atleast he should get my jokes and should be understanding enough to know when i'm serious and when im kidding. He should watch Movies - English and Hindi and must enjoy sitcoms on Comedy Central and Star world! He must definitely earn enough to sustain himself and me and our lifestyle - coz i'm planning on retiring soon and writing a book! I'm not fond of kids, so he should be open to the idea of having kids later or never! Soo.. ya! that's pretty much it.

PB (eyes wide open, still panting) - oh! oh! i'm not any of this... Mince! (gosh! it's Back!) i am also Jolly! i play pranks in office and my colleagues laugh at me (Pause) A LOT! (this was said with soo much conviction, i laughed at him too!) but i am not..

Mee (cutting in) - no no! I'm not expecting you to be like this. this is what I want... I only said it to help you form a certain person in your mind. Understanding and Mature is not technically a criteria you should be looking for - it's too generic!

PB - Yes! yes! I am looking for an understanding person (pause, Panting) like - uh! she must.. errrmm.. she must be able to take the wise decision! 

Mee (given up) - oh! (patronizing smile) SIGH! i guess, that's not me then! I make horrible decisions! (in my mind - MEETING YOU alone for coffee instead of insisting on families being there - being one of them!) So it was nice meeting you

Hand shake at 6:18pm and i'm out!

This has got to be the most Express meeting ever! I have never met anyone so quick! Not even when i bump into an acquaintance at a mall - i definitely chat up for more than 15 minutes! 

But i guess, when you're in a bad mood, everything pisses you off! None of this is beginning to feel Funny anymore OR EVEN FUN! 

I think The Shaadi.com Chronicles will have to take a sabbatical, at least for a few months! I'm pissed, tired and more importantly, borderline PANTING!

Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VI

I've realised making decisions when you are super happy can be dangerous. My Cousin, decides to come visit this long weekend. I am so happy! It's been a while since we chilled, went out shopping and had a good time... and what a 'good time' she's had, on my expense though! (Cousin - you have to agree!)

YES! My ever so efficient mother found me yet another boy to see. Actually it would be wrong to say she found him. I actually walked right into it myself.

It's a Saturday morning, i have 2 hours before i leave the house for my much awaited hair cut! What does my mom ask me to do?

Clean my room? NOPE!

Help in the kitchen? NOPE!

Take her out to fetch groceries? NOPE!

Hunt for a boy with my "100 % Free at all times now" Bhabhi? YES!

So my Bhabhi and I sit online and shortlist 2 boys in 45 minutes. My Bhabhi writes their name and number and all other socially acceptable details in my mother's "Prospective Groom" diary (which you are free to borrow, if you're on the hunt too) and I head out into the wild!

I've had my hair cut (bangs are back!), my cousin's driven down to Pune (what a proud moment for us, since she's been wanting to do so for 23 years!) and we decide to head back home, 4 hours later.

Mom - The profiles you shortlisted, you didn't show me the pictures?

Mee - You didn't show me pictures too!

Mom - Ok! (if that's how you want to play it! tone) when do you think you are free to meet one of them!

Mee (all happy to have cousin in town) - Anytime! Today?

Mom - Ya! today seems nice, considering one of the boys actually has no time for anything else on weekdays!

Mee (giggling over a joke cracked by cousin) - Huh? yaa.. ok! (no idea what i said ok to!)

A few minutes later...

Mom - The boy is coming tomorrow at 5pm with his mom, dad, brother, brother's wife and brother's kid! good you got the hair cut, you look younger!

Mee - GULP!!

Sunday Afternoon onwards... like every household (mine isn't ANY different) all conversations are BOY - led!

Mee - Listen... i'm not going down with him. Last time i went down, it was quite embarrassing!

Mom - ok, then where will you speak with him in Private?

Mee - My room! in fact, i think i'll ask him if he knows how to clean a cupboard and he can clean mine!

Mom - GUFFAAWW!!!

Another conversation...

Cousin - Your Mum has asked me to dress you up!

Mee - Why dont i put on a Navvaari (The marathi saaree, in case you didn't know what that is!), wear a nose ring and when they ask for "ladki kidhar hai" i'll come out all Laavni style with my back towards them and my 'pallu' in the air*

Cousin and Mee - GUFFFAAAWWW!!!!

Another conversation...

Mom - This is one guy only Meenal has seen! No wonder she's getting all dressed!

Mee - what? of course not, Bhabhi saw too!

Bhabhi - did not! i have no clue which one you're talking about!

Mee - There were only 2 profiles we saw. One had a photo and the other didn't. This guy is the guy with the photo and i made fun of his triple chin!

Bhabhi (looks at mom and smiles) - So you've liked him!!

Mom and bhabhi - GUFFAAWWW!!

Mee - not so much in the mood anymore to...

So finally it's 5pm, my intercom buzzes and my dad proclaims - "They're here!"

I feel this sudden urge to go poop - i don't know why, this is the second time a guy is coming home and even the first time i had to rush to the loo when the boy and his family arrived! Maybe the day I don't go poop is a sign that THIS guy is for real. Till then I'll just have to keep Pooping!

The doorbell rings, my dad opens, welcomes them in and I hear my niece scream "THEY'RE HERE!!!!"

My bhabhi all embarrassed in the room starts to giggle!

Once the family settles down, my bhabhi, who is still in the room puckering up asks my niece to tell her how many people there in the hall?

"Mom! there are 5 of them!" screams my niece again in the hallway.

My mom and dad laugh nervously!

Cousin's busy setting up the plates for their snacks and making tea and coffee. I come out and head straight to the kitchen. Of course, i sneaked a peek at the guy and the only thing i noticed was his UNIBROW!

"He has a UNIBROW and looks like a champak", I say to my cousin.

Mom walks into the kitchen, the very next minute - OMG! he's awesome! he's so nice looking!

Cousin caught by surprise, spat some water out while drinking.

Suddenly we hear a loud voice - "Do you know, exactly, what my son does?" - clearly his dad was very proud of whatever his on did. Cousin and I listening intently and wondering what could it possibly be that we wouldn't know!

My dad who had to answer that question (also had no idea who these people were and was informed only this morning that some people were coming to see me) meekly replies - No!

Loud Father - FOREX TRADING!

Mee and cousin in the Kitchen - GUFFAAWWINGG softly (if there is such a thing! i had to bite my hand to stop myself from laughing loudly!) Who did this man think we are? Why would we not know what Forex Trading is? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THIS MAN MY BROTHER IS A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT!

My Bhabhi enters the kitchen and she's smiling too.

LF - Monday to Friday my son is very busy. In fact even in the night, he sleeps with the systems on. Every time it pings he needs to get up to see what the message is!

Mee thinking to myself - ok! that's wierd, imagine we're at it and the system pings - i'll be left HIGH AND DRY! HOLD ON A MINUTE - WHY AM I EVEN THINKING OF DOING IT WITH Mr. UNIBROW!! EEEEKKKSSSSSS!!!!

I'm sitting there looking at the boy with disgust.

LF - Do you know what Forex Trading is?

Mee (getting a little pissed now about him making such a big deal about it! Disgusted with my thoughts! and have a huge smile on my face) - Yea, not in detail. But yea..

LF - are you interested in the stock market?

Mee - Nope!

My Father - She is very focused! Her life is Radio. She breathes Radio. So she's totally into the Media.

I'm looking at my father - That's why Daughters love their fathers!

Mee - Yea That's true! I'm more into media and mass comm!

LF - I see! Do you eat Non - veg?

Clearly he wasn't very interested in WHAT I DO! Funny how the topic shifted to food when it came to Mee!

Mee - I love non veg! Except i dont eat fish!

LF and Boy's mother (shocked) - Oh! you'll are Goans and you don't eat fish?? Strange! We live on fish!

Mee - Smiling!

Snacks are served, Tea is made, the Boy hasn't said a word! I go in the kitchen...

Mee - I think the guy is Totlaa!

Cousin - what? why?

Mee - he hasnt said a word since he's come! His father hasn't let him. I'm sure they've instructed him to keep his mouth shut, less i reject him on his Totlaapanaa!

We both Laugh...

Finally the awkward moment

My Father - You want to speak with each other?

MEE (Yea! I haven't experienced a totlaa boy before!) - Umm... (looking at my brother)

My Brother - you want to go down?

I look at him angrily, considering i had warned them about sending me down with the boy!

Dad - Go to the Blacony!

So that's where we head. Finally the boy says "Nice society!"

Mee - yea, it's pretty new, so it's well maintained!

Unibrow Man - Hmmm... In fact even we shifted to a nicer society now! Just a few months ago!

Mee - oh ok!

Man who i assumed was totlaa, but wasn't and I stand in the balcony wondering what else to say.

Mee (Trust me, to start a conversation) - Soo, you seem to live quite a busy life huh? What do you do on weekends!

Unibrow Man - I play Cricket! i love Cricket! In fact i dont let anybody in the house watch cricket! which is why now we have 3 TVs at home!

Mee - ok..

UM - i also go out with friends! i love to travel! i love the beach!

Mee - oh! i hate the beach! It makes me sick! Also i hate Fish and that's the only thing you get there.

UM (looking at me, like he saw a ghost) - Oh! Also another thing i love is moving homes! i Love to shift houses! every 2 years i need a new house!

Mee (NOW LOOKING AT HIM LIKE  SAW A GHOST!) - Really???

UM - you know it helps you make friends!

Mee (thinking to myself, there are other ways to make friends, you MORON! why put your family through packing and unpacking every 2 years because YOU want to make new friends!!) - Oh! that's nice!

UM - What do you do in your free time?

Mee (Free time? why don't you want to know what i do in my busy time! clearly what i do to earn a living doesn't matter to you) - I love to go to the mall! i love to surf the net! i also run a blog (i knew he wouldn't care so much about wanting to know what it was about!)

UM - A blog? Wow! (oops i misjudged! i hope he doesn't ask what about! Coz i'll have to reluctantly tell him, it's about FREAKS LIKE YOU!) I'm always in front of SCREEN all week, that's why i don't like internet! (PHEW! and here i was thinking he'd be interested in my blog!)

Mee - oh ok! Funny how you're into FOREX TRADING and you don't like the internet! isn't that the only way you can do business?

UM (Too much english for poor Sangli boy! don't mean to be elitist, but he's not arousing any interest in me for himself!) - Umm.. YES! it is a fact! but i don't like so much to surf!

Mee (ok i've had enough of Mr. Ashok Saraf without a moustache!) - Ok soo...

UM (cuts in) - Do you know how to cook?

Mee (WTF!!) - No! and i'm not even interested! (specially not for you!)

UM - But you CAN cook?

Mee - NO!

UM - oh!

UM's nephew comes running into the balcony! THANK GOD!

We get back in. I'm not impressed and i can tell he's not either. In the meantime, my parents seemed to have informed his parents also about my disinterest in cooking! They don't seem to have liked the idea of having a daughter in law who didn't cook either.I AM A REJECT, once again! (and this time, again, I'm not complaining).

Well, it's not like i don't want to cook. I just need to be motivated to cook. I definitely need to feel love for the people i cook. Having said that, it doesn't mean i don't love my family enough to cook for them. It's just that mum and Bhabhi cook better and faster, so i let them.If i find a boy who i really love, i'd love to make him some Pasta and lay out a table with some wine! Just find me someone who would appreciate that and not 'sodes' (typical Konkan style fish).

IN other news -

Mince guy calls - How did you find me?

Mee (i didnt! my mother did and i dont know why!!!) - Umm.. you know, i dont want to move to Thane!

Mince Guy - But you can try!

Mee (baffled) - huh! what if i dont like it!

Mince Guy - Is that the only reason?

Mee (now this guy is askign for it) - See! i don't see myself fitting into your family!

MG - but you haven't even met my family!

Mee (super pissed ) - YES! but i met you and i don't think it's happening! for any further queries, please call my mother.

HANG UP!

Gosh!!!

Shaadi.com Chronicles - Part V - part 2 (errmm.. Thames not Thane! Please...)

This has a part 1 too.. Which you must read before you get to this part.

I've taken a day off at work, i wanted to make full use of this day to chill out and have fun!

10 am - Phone Rings

Mince Guy - Hi Minal! Good Morning! How are you?

Mee (eyes struggling to open) - huh! yea, i'm good.

MG - Can we meet today?

Mee (I don't even want to be with this guy, why do i have to deal with this?) - Sure!

MG - Ok! i will leave the office and ring you.

Mee - Sure!

I spend most part of the morning trying to get my brother to drop me off to the Hotel I was to stay in for the workshop i had been called for and by the time i reached the hotel, i was in no mood to step out! So i lazed about watching TV and playing with the automated doors and lights operated by I - POD (it was cool! more on that later!)

Phone Rings, It's him! I don't want to answer! but suddenly i had a vision of my mother "He is perfect! i think this is going to be my son - in - law!" Mom was really hoping i'd meet him.

Mee - Hi MG!

MG - Hi Minal, I'm leaving now, i will reach by 6 o clock. Gimme Adress.

I gave him my address and got back to playing with the I - Pod!

It's 6pm, i've forgotten about Mince guy! I'm getting ready to go out and enjoy Mumbai's shopping!

Phone Rings

MG - Hello Minal i am in the resheption!

I head downstairs with my roomie. She was enthu to see to him, too.

There he was, in his bright green check shirt and Denims, hair a shade of brown and his smile.... EEESSSHHH!!!! His teeth had tobacco stains! My heart starts beating fast and i know instantly he's one of those guys we see on the railway station that would arrange their crotch in full view! Nooooooooo!!!!!

MG - Let's have the tea....

Mee - ok

We head to the hotel's coffee shop and order THE tea!

Mee (straight to the point) - So what are you looking for in you wife? (i don't want to be any of it!)

MG - Well she should look after entire my household!

Mee (spat the water out of my mouth) - Why? Where will you be? at war? (i start to laugh)

MG - No No not the war mince She must take my parent's care... job or no job, no problem we are very fashionable actually mince my parents don't mind if you want to work! (they better not mind, i'm not even married to you yet! i don't intend on either!)

Mee - Oh i must tell you.. i cannot cook! Just cannot! It doesn't come naturally to me!

MG stunned,  PAUSE for 5 seconds, while i sip on some more water feeling triumphed! - But you must try, no?

Mee - No... like i said, i've tried and it doesn't come naturally to me!

MG - yea it may not be in your nature, but a girl must cook. But it's ok we can manage!

Ok this guy has made his mind up! He is here with the marriage registrar i think! Time to think of something else to get rid of him.

Mee - Also i'm not sure if i can do all this travelling from Thane to the Suburbs, considering most of my scope of work is on this side.

MG - oh yes yes.. yesterday was pretty jumbling up. but it doesnt take more than one hour and half to come here. We all do it.

Mee (So? i have choice to not do it! and i aint doing it!) - hehe! (nervous laughter) Noo... i'm just not built for it.

MG - i see. What you want?

Mee - I'm sorry.. no i'll just have tea.

MG - No NO what you want for your husband?

Mee - ohhh... well i want him to be social, most definitely, humorous! and also, i am very big on Communication. He should be able to comm...

MG - oh yes! IT, Telecom sector is very big! Pay packages are very big! Even i am in IT, my package is very good.

Mee - umm... ok! But i dont want to move to Thane.

MG - and i will never leave Thane (looking a little lost) PAUSE FOR 5 seconds... It will always be in my Mey - MOW - RIZZ!

MEE - BLINK BLINK Staring at him, while he gets nostalgic. Who BOMBED THANE? He still lives there. Oh god! is he planning on moving to Pune!!! Oh nooo...

I've had my tea and I've said what i had to! I don't want this guy, i look at him, he's lost in thought. Perfect time to get up and say "ok, nice meeting you!"

I begin to get up...

MG (suddenly) - I am looking for a nice girl, a go getting happy girl.

Mee (sitting back in the chair) - oh that's nice! (have nothing else to say to him!) Anyway, i'll ask my mother to get in touch with you.

MG reaches out to his wallet and i assure him it's taken care off.

I was at my lowest when he left! Really? Is this what happens to a girl who turns 29 and is single! All the good guys are taken by then, i guess. Mom was right, "it is Time... It's got nothing to do with the person!" All that's left for me is Minced Meat and Mey - Mow -Rizz of a better time!

Shaadi.com Chronicles - Part V (errmm.. Thames not Thane! Please...)

I'm glad I waited a bit before writing this post. A. My parents say anything you say, or in this case; write, in anger will be mean and you will regret it forever and B. The story would have been incomplete had I not written about what happened THIS evening (2 days after meeting the boy).

I was in Mumbai for a workshop organised by my company for Radio Professionals all of last week and my mum thought this was the perfect way to meet up all the boys from Mumbai - only the ones who've shown interest in my profile, of course.

Mom (pointing to my cousins laptop) - See this boy! he's been calling and insisting that you meet him. he's not interested in horoscope matching or anything. He just prefers to meet directly. That sounds perfect.

Mee (Walking towards the laptop) - Not perfect! but yea, most definitely, open / broad minded. Lemme see.

His profile seemed alright. Anyway, I'm not one to judge anyone from their online profile, since most often, it's not posted by the person and has been written out by their parent or sibling. but in this case, what put me off was the first line of his profile "Myself XXX XXX from Thane!" - If this were my profile, I'd correct the grammar at least!" So i laughed and said "NO WAY!"

Mom - What? Why not?

Mee - His Profile begins with "Myself ..."

Mom  (My mom's adorable when it comes to English) - Soo? Myself naahi tar kaay Yourself mhannaar? (It's the boy's profile, so he can't possibly say Yourself!)

Anyway, Mumbai was a few days away and i didn't want to argue with that logic, so, I agreed.

I leave for Mumbai with my Brother. We reach and i get a call from Mr. Myself!

Mr. M - Hello! It's Me.

Mee - Oh hi! How are you?

Mr. M - I'm Fine! You are Mother gave me you are number (i'm not making a mistake but this what he said!)

Mee (controlling my laugh) - yes yes! Tell me what's up?

Mr. M - He He ! Fine! Can we meet today?

Mee (impressed with the "straight - to - the - point" attitude) - Sure! i'm going to be at Andheri East by 430, Can you meet?

Mr. M - Oh! Actually i am working now and I am working only alone in office.

Mee - err.. Like you're the only one in your entire office?

Mr. M - No! No! Mince from my project team, only i am here. My colleagues are in America.

Mee - Oh ok. So, what time is convenient for you?

Mr. M - Actually i am working in the Thane, mince ill take some time to come to Andheri if i am leaving now.

Mee - Sooo... How long will you take?

Mr. M - Yes Yes it's very long! (pause for about 3 seconds) Mince still i can reach by 5.

Mee (stumped by what he was referring to when he said IT was long! and impressed by how subtly he slipped it in!) - ummm.. alright see you at Cafe Coffee Day, J B Nagar at 5

We hang up and I tell my brother about Mince guy - "you should meet him at kareem for Kheema mutter if he likes Mince soo much!"

It's 5pm and no sign of Mince Guy! My brother and I think he's dropped the plan, so we decide to go for a movie. We get ready and step out only to get a call from him.

Mince Guy - Hello Minal! i'm actually leaving now, i will be there in one hour!

Mee - What? ok! actually we're going out for dinner with cousins later so Make sure you dont get delayed anymore.

Mince Guy - No no! I will reach there.

Mee - I have no doubts about you reaching, just make it in time please. Or can we meet tomorrow, if you haven't left!

MG - No! No! mince i'm on the way, already!

Mee - cool! Come!

By now, my brother's getting a little annoyed over his delay since he's been wanting to watch this movie for a while and it seemed like the perfect time and also the fact that we were in the lift and had to go back upstairs and wait for what seemed like hours!

It's 630 and MG is still missing. I call him and he doesn't answer.

My Brother - Let's just head to the mall and wait for him there.

So we reach the entrance of the mall and MG calls.

MG - Hi Minal! I am on the way!

Mee - I'm sure, but where are you exactly, now?

MG - in the bus!

Mee (huh!) - but where?

MG - in Ghod Bandar - Now those who know Mumbai, well, know that Ghod Bandar to Goregaon at 630pm is still an hour or hour and half away!)

I put the phone on mute.

Mee - he's still Ghoda BAndar!

Brother- What? ask him to go back and meet you tomorrow, Man!

Mute off!

Mee - Hi MG! can we meet tomorrow, actually I'm supposed to go out with my cousins for dinner and we're headed there. So you'll still take time and it'll all get delayed, you know.

MG - Ok Ok ! where are you going for dinner, mince i'll come there!

MUTE ON!

Mee - HE wants to come where we are!

Brother - Why is he soo Desperate man??

Mee (Rolling my eyes) - What do i say to him?

Brother - Tell him we don't know where we will be. We're going to our cousins home and then we'll decide.

So i tell him exactly that.

MG - How much time you will take for dinner? Mince... umm.. i will meet you after? OK?

Mee - No! not  ok... Can we please meet tomorrow? (suddenly realizing i'm being rude) Let's not meet in a hurry, naa?

MG- ok ok, See you tomorrow. Good Night!

Hung up!

Brother - Lollat yetoy kaa? (translation: Is he rolling and coming? Not really Rolling, but 'Lollat' in Marathi would mean what we do in bed on a Sunday Morning)

WOW! This got really long already didn't it? I'm going to give you and myself a breather! This post will need to be written in two parts!

Trust Me, you are going to want to know about Mince Guy - He's got some howlarious demands from his wife!

Laterrr....

Shaadi.com Chronicles – Part IV (part 2)

You Might want to read the first part of Part IV before reading this...

As sure as hell there was one – A STAGE! When I entered there was a girl on stage and she was nervous and restless and her hands were shivering with a chit of paper in her hand! Gosh! I can’t believe parents, who actually want to get their daughters married off for their happy life can put their daughters through THIS!!

Who am I to talk? I thought my parents loved me! CLEARLY NOT!

So there I was in an auditorium filled with singles – boys on one side and girls on the other! I sat right at the end, near the entrance to the hall and right outside the hall were parents of the singles.

There was a stage at the other end, there was a speaker right on top of it and there was a lady who kept calling our names from there. This kind of gave me a perspective on the marriage market / scene. And trust me, I have been living in delusion for all these years! My parents were right, get married earlier, coz the later you get married the more your chances of being stuck with MAN WITH A THICK MOUSTACHE – HAIR ON CHEST, EARS BUT NO HAIR ON HEAD! L

Also I realized that more and more people are beginning to have a speech problem. Almost every girl / guy who went up on stage had a lisp, couldn’t communicate in English – yet! “PREFERRED TO SPEAK IN ENGLISH!”

Examples –

• Boy who ‘prefer to speak in engliss’ says something about himself and all that and then continues to say what he was looking for in a girl! “she should be understanding, nice girl, cooking should be known…. Thinks hard… yaa.. this is.. what I want.. for my better half!!!!
• What was I thinking, this isn’t about singles, it’s also for married people who want to give up their better halves!
• Girl with a sweet voice, fair, light eyes, long straight hair – in short, the perfect girl! – “i want a boy who is nice and sweet natured”
• As against all of us who want a wife beater!
•  Funny surname that cracked me up and everyone stared at me in the hall – VARTI – KAR! (meaning - do it upstairs!)
• US RETURNED ‘not yet’ green card holder – “I had done my bachelors from pune university and my masters from the US of A”
•  So you start a sentence with bad grammar and then throw in the accent and US of A in the end – SCORE! I’m making notes!
•  ALSO, I realized there can be people fatter than Mee…

Anyway, finally after some 8-9 boys and girls introduced themselves, the speaker blared “Meenal Sanjagiri!” Gosh! I was suddenly so nervous! What was I doing? Where am i? and why do I have to give these guys an opportunity to judge me??

I reached the stage and took the mic and as confidently as I could started talking

Mee - Hi! My name is Meenal

Speaker Lady – Full name please (she kept cutting me and making me nervous)

Mee – Sanjagiri… Meenal Sanjagiri. I was born on the 28^th of December.

SL – what year?

Mee – uhh.. 1982… im looking for a guy who’ll be funny, humorous, social. Who loves to travel, because I love t

SL – Raas? Nakshatra? (no clue what this is)

Mee – umm.. I don’t know. I never believed in the whole patrika thing. Soo.. yea.. I’m actually very confident on stage, but since no one is actually cheering and applauding I’m feeling strange! (nervous laughter, pin drop silence continues).

SL – where do you work?

Mee – oh yea! I work at Radio City (auditorium bursts into oohs and aahs). I head the team of RJs. I’m ok with relocation! My marathi is horrible since I was born and brought up in Dubai and I’ve been raised by parents who thought independence and responsibility for ones own actions were top priority, thus I love my space! Cool?

SL – Ramesh Kamat!!! (clearly, that was my signal to get off stage)

I rushed to my mother who was sitting outside the auditorium and she seemed so impressed. “Mast bolli tu!” (you spoke so well!)

Mee – yea right!

Finally when everyone introduced themselves. We were all asked to get into the snacks and tea section and mingle! So I did just that… I was approached more by women who were interested in a career in radio. Of course I had ‘scrawny man who had a crew cut and a super long nose” come upto me and say “Hello maam! Im a scientist with amul dairy. You are working with Radio City! wow! I have one opinion!”

I raise my eyebrows, he continues, “you play nice song in the night, play in the day also!” OH SO THAT’S THE TRICK TO BEING NUMBER ONE! What would I do without scrawny scientist??

After tea and snacks was over, I asked my uncle if we were ready to go?

Uncle – What?? No, now we have to announce the names of boys that your mother has selected for you.

Mee – what??? I don’t want to marry any of these boys!!!

Uncle – ohho! Dot be judgemental!

Mee – what??? Isn’t this exactly about that! How else did you select the guys for me??

Uncle – don’t be a smarty pant!

Mee – huh??

So I wait, while my mother rushes to the stage and asks for the lady to call out the names of the boys that my mother thought were suitable for me! One of the boys had left (thank god!). and enter boy who thought was the gulli ka gunda but was actually mama’s boy!

Lime green formal shirt, sleeves rolled up. Grey trousers which barely reached his ankles, thick moosh, hair popping out of shirt and ears! Mother in tow… “Hi what is your name?”

Mee – Meenal

Mother of boy – surname?

Mee- Sanjagiri

MoB – this is my son! He is 5’9” (im sure), he is a software engg (so are all the other boys!), we live in Mumbai (BINGO! Perfect reason to not marry this boy)

Mee – oh I don’t think I want to move to Mumbai.

MoB – but you said you are okay with relocation! (I did say that, didn’t i?)

Mee – yea… but.. umm.. Mumbai was not what I meant! I’m looking at US or UK! (shallow… very shallow)

MoB made face. Boy in a tone that would suit a 5 year old “baba kuthe?” (where’s dad?)

My uncle also found me a boy, but hell, these were all boys who needed a nice homely girl who would cook, clean, take care of their parents, produce 2 kids, help kids with homework and have no dreams of her own!

I’m not saying I wont do all this. People who know me, know that I’m the first to be helpful, caring and all that. But I got my own space – cooking doesn’t come naturally to me and kids?? Well, that’s a topic for another chronicle!

Shaadi.com Chronicles - Part IV

I’ve been wondering, since yesterday, how I should title this entry.

-         Stage Fright
-         The Bride and Groom Expo
-         Unmarried ‘not – so-‘ Anonymous

So after a wonderful 61st Birthday celebration, my father decides to hit the sack. My mother and I are watching TV and discussing the usual – which is “Snehprabha se phone aaya, they said they have one guy from the US! You want to go?”

Me – To America? Why not! When should I ask for leave?

Mom rolling her eyes!

My phone rings – Unknown number – I pick up

Long lost cousin – Hi Meenal. This is “long lost cousin”

Me – oh… hey.. whats up?

LLC (coincidentally an LLB) – YYY Kaka asked me to tell you to join us tomorrow at the Mellaava*

Mee – Hehehehehehehhehehhhhahahahahhahaha

Mom – What happened?

Mee – LLC asked me to come with him and kaka to the Mellaava.

Mom stands up – the fastest I’ve seen her get off the sofa in years! LET’S DO THIS! She declares!

LLC – Here’s the address. See you tomorrow.

MOM (at 1030) – I think you must wear a saree. No wait! That will be dressy, wear a nice kurta! Wait a minute... did he just say you could go or can i come too?

Mee rolling my eyes!

Sunday Morning – I’m up and ready to have a nice cup of tea and toast.

Mom all bathed – Chalo! You’re not ready yet! We have to reach by 11!

Mee – that wasn’t a dream? Sorry Nightmare…

Mom – ohho don’t waste time!

Mom and I head to the parlour for me to get rid of my ‘you know whats’! After, what seemed like hours, of  getting directions and coordinating and figuring out where to stand and park we (mom, dad {surprisingly he seemed enthu about this too}, kaka, LLC and I) reach the entrance of the Mangal Karyalay**

“Hi! My name is Shubhangi something, my date of birth is something…” I couldn’t hear beyond this… I was freaked out of my mind! Im standing at the entrance – I cant see the what’s happening inside, but I can most definitely hear it! Prospective brides and grooms were announcing their details to a room full of  people (atleast im assuming it’s filled and it sure was!)

Mee – WHAT!!!! KAKA im not going in! this is ridiculous! Im not an alcoholic, being single is not really social stigma!!!! Im not doing this…

Kaka – arre! Just give it a try.. you might never know where you find love!

Mee – I don’t want to find love here!

LLC (slightly taken aback himself) – arre.. yeh toh.. arre.. I don’t think ill be able to do this!

Kaka – you’re a lawyer you do this everyday! And Meenal what you’re saying, you do stage shows all the time!

Mee – THERE’S A STAGE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 These are the men.. Yea i know what you're thinking!

This is the stage and the auditorium!

(Sorry I’m going to have cut this short. There will be a continuation to this. Get yourself a cup of coffee and a snack. Trust me! This is going to get worse, or in your case, more entertaining!)

*A gathering of singles across town (generally of the same caste / type). They meet, greet and eat!

**the venue for such gatherings and also for weddings!