Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VI

I've realised making decisions when you are super happy can be dangerous. My Cousin, decides to come visit this long weekend. I am so happy! It's been a while since we chilled, went out shopping and had a good time... and what a 'good time' she's had, on my expense though! (Cousin - you have to agree!)

YES! My ever so efficient mother found me yet another boy to see. Actually it would be wrong to say she found him. I actually walked right into it myself.

It's a Saturday morning, i have 2 hours before i leave the house for my much awaited hair cut! What does my mom ask me to do?

Clean my room? NOPE!

Help in the kitchen? NOPE!

Take her out to fetch groceries? NOPE!

Hunt for a boy with my "100 % Free at all times now" Bhabhi? YES!

So my Bhabhi and I sit online and shortlist 2 boys in 45 minutes. My Bhabhi writes their name and number and all other socially acceptable details in my mother's "Prospective Groom" diary (which you are free to borrow, if you're on the hunt too) and I head out into the wild!

I've had my hair cut (bangs are back!), my cousin's driven down to Pune (what a proud moment for us, since she's been wanting to do so for 23 years!) and we decide to head back home, 4 hours later.

Mom - The profiles you shortlisted, you didn't show me the pictures?

Mee - You didn't show me pictures too!

Mom - Ok! (if that's how you want to play it! tone) when do you think you are free to meet one of them!

Mee (all happy to have cousin in town) - Anytime! Today?

Mom - Ya! today seems nice, considering one of the boys actually has no time for anything else on weekdays!

Mee (giggling over a joke cracked by cousin) - Huh? yaa.. ok! (no idea what i said ok to!)

A few minutes later...

Mom - The boy is coming tomorrow at 5pm with his mom, dad, brother, brother's wife and brother's kid! good you got the hair cut, you look younger!

Mee - GULP!!

Sunday Afternoon onwards... like every household (mine isn't ANY different) all conversations are BOY - led!

Mee - Listen... i'm not going down with him. Last time i went down, it was quite embarrassing!

Mom - ok, then where will you speak with him in Private?

Mee - My room! in fact, i think i'll ask him if he knows how to clean a cupboard and he can clean mine!

Mom - GUFFAAWW!!!

Another conversation...

Cousin - Your Mum has asked me to dress you up!

Mee - Why dont i put on a Navvaari (The marathi saaree, in case you didn't know what that is!), wear a nose ring and when they ask for "ladki kidhar hai" i'll come out all Laavni style with my back towards them and my 'pallu' in the air*

Cousin and Mee - GUFFFAAAWWW!!!!

Another conversation...

Mom - This is one guy only Meenal has seen! No wonder she's getting all dressed!

Mee - what? of course not, Bhabhi saw too!

Bhabhi - did not! i have no clue which one you're talking about!

Mee - There were only 2 profiles we saw. One had a photo and the other didn't. This guy is the guy with the photo and i made fun of his triple chin!

Bhabhi (looks at mom and smiles) - So you've liked him!!

Mom and bhabhi - GUFFAAWWW!!

Mee - not so much in the mood anymore to...

So finally it's 5pm, my intercom buzzes and my dad proclaims - "They're here!"

I feel this sudden urge to go poop - i don't know why, this is the second time a guy is coming home and even the first time i had to rush to the loo when the boy and his family arrived! Maybe the day I don't go poop is a sign that THIS guy is for real. Till then I'll just have to keep Pooping!

The doorbell rings, my dad opens, welcomes them in and I hear my niece scream "THEY'RE HERE!!!!"

My bhabhi all embarrassed in the room starts to giggle!

Once the family settles down, my bhabhi, who is still in the room puckering up asks my niece to tell her how many people there in the hall?

"Mom! there are 5 of them!" screams my niece again in the hallway.

My mom and dad laugh nervously!

Cousin's busy setting up the plates for their snacks and making tea and coffee. I come out and head straight to the kitchen. Of course, i sneaked a peek at the guy and the only thing i noticed was his UNIBROW!

"He has a UNIBROW and looks like a champak", I say to my cousin.

Mom walks into the kitchen, the very next minute - OMG! he's awesome! he's so nice looking!

Cousin caught by surprise, spat some water out while drinking.

Suddenly we hear a loud voice - "Do you know, exactly, what my son does?" - clearly his dad was very proud of whatever his on did. Cousin and I listening intently and wondering what could it possibly be that we wouldn't know!

My dad who had to answer that question (also had no idea who these people were and was informed only this morning that some people were coming to see me) meekly replies - No!

Loud Father - FOREX TRADING!

Mee and cousin in the Kitchen - GUFFAAWWINGG softly (if there is such a thing! i had to bite my hand to stop myself from laughing loudly!) Who did this man think we are? Why would we not know what Forex Trading is? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THIS MAN MY BROTHER IS A CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT!

My Bhabhi enters the kitchen and she's smiling too.

LF - Monday to Friday my son is very busy. In fact even in the night, he sleeps with the systems on. Every time it pings he needs to get up to see what the message is!

Mee thinking to myself - ok! that's wierd, imagine we're at it and the system pings - i'll be left HIGH AND DRY! HOLD ON A MINUTE - WHY AM I EVEN THINKING OF DOING IT WITH Mr. UNIBROW!! EEEEKKKSSSSSS!!!!

I'm sitting there looking at the boy with disgust.

LF - Do you know what Forex Trading is?

Mee (getting a little pissed now about him making such a big deal about it! Disgusted with my thoughts! and have a huge smile on my face) - Yea, not in detail. But yea..

LF - are you interested in the stock market?

Mee - Nope!

My Father - She is very focused! Her life is Radio. She breathes Radio. So she's totally into the Media.

I'm looking at my father - That's why Daughters love their fathers!

Mee - Yea That's true! I'm more into media and mass comm!

LF - I see! Do you eat Non - veg?

Clearly he wasn't very interested in WHAT I DO! Funny how the topic shifted to food when it came to Mee!

Mee - I love non veg! Except i dont eat fish!

LF and Boy's mother (shocked) - Oh! you'll are Goans and you don't eat fish?? Strange! We live on fish!

Mee - Smiling!

Snacks are served, Tea is made, the Boy hasn't said a word! I go in the kitchen...

Mee - I think the guy is Totlaa!

Cousin - what? why?

Mee - he hasnt said a word since he's come! His father hasn't let him. I'm sure they've instructed him to keep his mouth shut, less i reject him on his Totlaapanaa!

We both Laugh...

Finally the awkward moment

My Father - You want to speak with each other?

MEE (Yea! I haven't experienced a totlaa boy before!) - Umm... (looking at my brother)

My Brother - you want to go down?

I look at him angrily, considering i had warned them about sending me down with the boy!

Dad - Go to the Blacony!

So that's where we head. Finally the boy says "Nice society!"

Mee - yea, it's pretty new, so it's well maintained!

Unibrow Man - Hmmm... In fact even we shifted to a nicer society now! Just a few months ago!

Mee - oh ok!

Man who i assumed was totlaa, but wasn't and I stand in the balcony wondering what else to say.

Mee (Trust me, to start a conversation) - Soo, you seem to live quite a busy life huh? What do you do on weekends!

Unibrow Man - I play Cricket! i love Cricket! In fact i dont let anybody in the house watch cricket! which is why now we have 3 TVs at home!

Mee - ok..

UM - i also go out with friends! i love to travel! i love the beach!

Mee - oh! i hate the beach! It makes me sick! Also i hate Fish and that's the only thing you get there.

UM (looking at me, like he saw a ghost) - Oh! Also another thing i love is moving homes! i Love to shift houses! every 2 years i need a new house!

Mee (NOW LOOKING AT HIM LIKE  SAW A GHOST!) - Really???

UM - you know it helps you make friends!

Mee (thinking to myself, there are other ways to make friends, you MORON! why put your family through packing and unpacking every 2 years because YOU want to make new friends!!) - Oh! that's nice!

UM - What do you do in your free time?

Mee (Free time? why don't you want to know what i do in my busy time! clearly what i do to earn a living doesn't matter to you) - I love to go to the mall! i love to surf the net! i also run a blog (i knew he wouldn't care so much about wanting to know what it was about!)

UM - A blog? Wow! (oops i misjudged! i hope he doesn't ask what about! Coz i'll have to reluctantly tell him, it's about FREAKS LIKE YOU!) I'm always in front of SCREEN all week, that's why i don't like internet! (PHEW! and here i was thinking he'd be interested in my blog!)

Mee - oh ok! Funny how you're into FOREX TRADING and you don't like the internet! isn't that the only way you can do business?

UM (Too much english for poor Sangli boy! don't mean to be elitist, but he's not arousing any interest in me for himself!) - Umm.. YES! it is a fact! but i don't like so much to surf!

Mee (ok i've had enough of Mr. Ashok Saraf without a moustache!) - Ok soo...

UM (cuts in) - Do you know how to cook?

Mee (WTF!!) - No! and i'm not even interested! (specially not for you!)

UM - But you CAN cook?

Mee - NO!

UM - oh!

UM's nephew comes running into the balcony! THANK GOD!

We get back in. I'm not impressed and i can tell he's not either. In the meantime, my parents seemed to have informed his parents also about my disinterest in cooking! They don't seem to have liked the idea of having a daughter in law who didn't cook either.I AM A REJECT, once again! (and this time, again, I'm not complaining).

Well, it's not like i don't want to cook. I just need to be motivated to cook. I definitely need to feel love for the people i cook. Having said that, it doesn't mean i don't love my family enough to cook for them. It's just that mum and Bhabhi cook better and faster, so i let them.If i find a boy who i really love, i'd love to make him some Pasta and lay out a table with some wine! Just find me someone who would appreciate that and not 'sodes' (typical Konkan style fish).

IN other news -

Mince guy calls - How did you find me?

Mee (i didnt! my mother did and i dont know why!!!) - Umm.. you know, i dont want to move to Thane!

Mince Guy - But you can try!

Mee (baffled) - huh! what if i dont like it!

Mince Guy - Is that the only reason?

Mee (now this guy is askign for it) - See! i don't see myself fitting into your family!

MG - but you haven't even met my family!

Mee (super pissed ) - YES! but i met you and i don't think it's happening! for any further queries, please call my mother.

HANG UP!

Gosh!!!

Shaadi.com Chronicles - Part V - part 2 (errmm.. Thames not Thane! Please...)

This has a part 1 too.. Which you must read before you get to this part.

I've taken a day off at work, i wanted to make full use of this day to chill out and have fun!

10 am - Phone Rings

Mince Guy - Hi Minal! Good Morning! How are you?

Mee (eyes struggling to open) - huh! yea, i'm good.

MG - Can we meet today?

Mee (I don't even want to be with this guy, why do i have to deal with this?) - Sure!

MG - Ok! i will leave the office and ring you.

Mee - Sure!

I spend most part of the morning trying to get my brother to drop me off to the Hotel I was to stay in for the workshop i had been called for and by the time i reached the hotel, i was in no mood to step out! So i lazed about watching TV and playing with the automated doors and lights operated by I - POD (it was cool! more on that later!)

Phone Rings, It's him! I don't want to answer! but suddenly i had a vision of my mother "He is perfect! i think this is going to be my son - in - law!" Mom was really hoping i'd meet him.

Mee - Hi MG!

MG - Hi Minal, I'm leaving now, i will reach by 6 o clock. Gimme Adress.

I gave him my address and got back to playing with the I - Pod!

It's 6pm, i've forgotten about Mince guy! I'm getting ready to go out and enjoy Mumbai's shopping!

Phone Rings

MG - Hello Minal i am in the resheption!

I head downstairs with my roomie. She was enthu to see to him, too.

There he was, in his bright green check shirt and Denims, hair a shade of brown and his smile.... EEESSSHHH!!!! His teeth had tobacco stains! My heart starts beating fast and i know instantly he's one of those guys we see on the railway station that would arrange their crotch in full view! Nooooooooo!!!!!

MG - Let's have the tea....

Mee - ok

We head to the hotel's coffee shop and order THE tea!

Mee (straight to the point) - So what are you looking for in you wife? (i don't want to be any of it!)

MG - Well she should look after entire my household!

Mee (spat the water out of my mouth) - Why? Where will you be? at war? (i start to laugh)

MG - No No not the war mince She must take my parent's care... job or no job, no problem we are very fashionable actually mince my parents don't mind if you want to work! (they better not mind, i'm not even married to you yet! i don't intend on either!)

Mee - Oh i must tell you.. i cannot cook! Just cannot! It doesn't come naturally to me!

MG stunned,  PAUSE for 5 seconds, while i sip on some more water feeling triumphed! - But you must try, no?

Mee - No... like i said, i've tried and it doesn't come naturally to me!

MG - yea it may not be in your nature, but a girl must cook. But it's ok we can manage!

Ok this guy has made his mind up! He is here with the marriage registrar i think! Time to think of something else to get rid of him.

Mee - Also i'm not sure if i can do all this travelling from Thane to the Suburbs, considering most of my scope of work is on this side.

MG - oh yes yes.. yesterday was pretty jumbling up. but it doesnt take more than one hour and half to come here. We all do it.

Mee (So? i have choice to not do it! and i aint doing it!) - hehe! (nervous laughter) Noo... i'm just not built for it.

MG - i see. What you want?

Mee - I'm sorry.. no i'll just have tea.

MG - No NO what you want for your husband?

Mee - ohhh... well i want him to be social, most definitely, humorous! and also, i am very big on Communication. He should be able to comm...

MG - oh yes! IT, Telecom sector is very big! Pay packages are very big! Even i am in IT, my package is very good.

Mee - umm... ok! But i dont want to move to Thane.

MG - and i will never leave Thane (looking a little lost) PAUSE FOR 5 seconds... It will always be in my Mey - MOW - RIZZ!

MEE - BLINK BLINK Staring at him, while he gets nostalgic. Who BOMBED THANE? He still lives there. Oh god! is he planning on moving to Pune!!! Oh nooo...

I've had my tea and I've said what i had to! I don't want this guy, i look at him, he's lost in thought. Perfect time to get up and say "ok, nice meeting you!"

I begin to get up...

MG (suddenly) - I am looking for a nice girl, a go getting happy girl.

Mee (sitting back in the chair) - oh that's nice! (have nothing else to say to him!) Anyway, i'll ask my mother to get in touch with you.

MG reaches out to his wallet and i assure him it's taken care off.

I was at my lowest when he left! Really? Is this what happens to a girl who turns 29 and is single! All the good guys are taken by then, i guess. Mom was right, "it is Time... It's got nothing to do with the person!" All that's left for me is Minced Meat and Mey - Mow -Rizz of a better time!

Shaadi.com Chronicles - Part V (errmm.. Thames not Thane! Please...)

I'm glad I waited a bit before writing this post. A. My parents say anything you say, or in this case; write, in anger will be mean and you will regret it forever and B. The story would have been incomplete had I not written about what happened THIS evening (2 days after meeting the boy).

I was in Mumbai for a workshop organised by my company for Radio Professionals all of last week and my mum thought this was the perfect way to meet up all the boys from Mumbai - only the ones who've shown interest in my profile, of course.

Mom (pointing to my cousins laptop) - See this boy! he's been calling and insisting that you meet him. he's not interested in horoscope matching or anything. He just prefers to meet directly. That sounds perfect.

Mee (Walking towards the laptop) - Not perfect! but yea, most definitely, open / broad minded. Lemme see.

His profile seemed alright. Anyway, I'm not one to judge anyone from their online profile, since most often, it's not posted by the person and has been written out by their parent or sibling. but in this case, what put me off was the first line of his profile "Myself XXX XXX from Thane!" - If this were my profile, I'd correct the grammar at least!" So i laughed and said "NO WAY!"

Mom - What? Why not?

Mee - His Profile begins with "Myself ..."

Mom  (My mom's adorable when it comes to English) - Soo? Myself naahi tar kaay Yourself mhannaar? (It's the boy's profile, so he can't possibly say Yourself!)

Anyway, Mumbai was a few days away and i didn't want to argue with that logic, so, I agreed.

I leave for Mumbai with my Brother. We reach and i get a call from Mr. Myself!

Mr. M - Hello! It's Me.

Mee - Oh hi! How are you?

Mr. M - I'm Fine! You are Mother gave me you are number (i'm not making a mistake but this what he said!)

Mee (controlling my laugh) - yes yes! Tell me what's up?

Mr. M - He He ! Fine! Can we meet today?

Mee (impressed with the "straight - to - the - point" attitude) - Sure! i'm going to be at Andheri East by 430, Can you meet?

Mr. M - Oh! Actually i am working now and I am working only alone in office.

Mee - err.. Like you're the only one in your entire office?

Mr. M - No! No! Mince from my project team, only i am here. My colleagues are in America.

Mee - Oh ok. So, what time is convenient for you?

Mr. M - Actually i am working in the Thane, mince ill take some time to come to Andheri if i am leaving now.

Mee - Sooo... How long will you take?

Mr. M - Yes Yes it's very long! (pause for about 3 seconds) Mince still i can reach by 5.

Mee (stumped by what he was referring to when he said IT was long! and impressed by how subtly he slipped it in!) - ummm.. alright see you at Cafe Coffee Day, J B Nagar at 5

We hang up and I tell my brother about Mince guy - "you should meet him at kareem for Kheema mutter if he likes Mince soo much!"

It's 5pm and no sign of Mince Guy! My brother and I think he's dropped the plan, so we decide to go for a movie. We get ready and step out only to get a call from him.

Mince Guy - Hello Minal! i'm actually leaving now, i will be there in one hour!

Mee - What? ok! actually we're going out for dinner with cousins later so Make sure you dont get delayed anymore.

Mince Guy - No no! I will reach there.

Mee - I have no doubts about you reaching, just make it in time please. Or can we meet tomorrow, if you haven't left!

MG - No! No! mince i'm on the way, already!

Mee - cool! Come!

By now, my brother's getting a little annoyed over his delay since he's been wanting to watch this movie for a while and it seemed like the perfect time and also the fact that we were in the lift and had to go back upstairs and wait for what seemed like hours!

It's 630 and MG is still missing. I call him and he doesn't answer.

My Brother - Let's just head to the mall and wait for him there.

So we reach the entrance of the mall and MG calls.

MG - Hi Minal! I am on the way!

Mee - I'm sure, but where are you exactly, now?

MG - in the bus!

Mee (huh!) - but where?

MG - in Ghod Bandar - Now those who know Mumbai, well, know that Ghod Bandar to Goregaon at 630pm is still an hour or hour and half away!)

I put the phone on mute.

Mee - he's still Ghoda BAndar!

Brother- What? ask him to go back and meet you tomorrow, Man!

Mute off!

Mee - Hi MG! can we meet tomorrow, actually I'm supposed to go out with my cousins for dinner and we're headed there. So you'll still take time and it'll all get delayed, you know.

MG - Ok Ok ! where are you going for dinner, mince i'll come there!

MUTE ON!

Mee - HE wants to come where we are!

Brother - Why is he soo Desperate man??

Mee (Rolling my eyes) - What do i say to him?

Brother - Tell him we don't know where we will be. We're going to our cousins home and then we'll decide.

So i tell him exactly that.

MG - How much time you will take for dinner? Mince... umm.. i will meet you after? OK?

Mee - No! not  ok... Can we please meet tomorrow? (suddenly realizing i'm being rude) Let's not meet in a hurry, naa?

MG- ok ok, See you tomorrow. Good Night!

Hung up!

Brother - Lollat yetoy kaa? (translation: Is he rolling and coming? Not really Rolling, but 'Lollat' in Marathi would mean what we do in bed on a Sunday Morning)

WOW! This got really long already didn't it? I'm going to give you and myself a breather! This post will need to be written in two parts!

Trust Me, you are going to want to know about Mince Guy - He's got some howlarious demands from his wife!

Laterrr....