The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VIII

While watching Jab We Met last night, i realized that all this false hope about finding the right person, has been given to me by BOLLYWOOD!! I mean  my parents never told me there would be somebody supremely perfect, insanely funny, totally adorable and tall enough that will meet you on one of your random vacations and will take to you instantly, so as to want to keep you happy forever!

But for Geet, it happened! She had an Anshuman (which i've had to!) but he actually decided to get back with her after she finally called him and dumped him! Now THAT, never happens with me! Another thing that would never happen to me - Shahid Kapoor!

This weekend's been quite an eye opener! Mom was extremely excited about one boy for the last 2 weeks! Tall, dark and Handsome (according to her) Works with a bank (in the IT dept. - EEKSS) and... Nope! There is no more. This is the guy's profile - My Mom thinks, this is enough for me to agree to live the rest of my life with this boy.

Mom - If you reject this guy, i surrender! i just dont know who you want!

Mee - What? what do you mean? is it not enough that I'm agreeing to meet boys for marriage when i totally think that Marriage happens when it's supposed to!

Mom - O god! do no start with your philosophies, i've seen more life than you have!

I made a face and that ended the conversation.

So i received an email with pictures from Mr. Banker, who isn't really a Banker! I didn't want to be the shallow person, so i sent his picture to a couple of friends / cousins to see reactions - "creep!", "Are you mad?", "Please Meenal, you might not be Aishwarya, but we have genes that will make you look 25 for the next 15 years! He looks 50 already, another 3 years and you will look like father - daughter!"

Now, with those reactions, i just didn't seem to enthu to meet this boy. Actually i haven't been enthu about meeting boys lately... Every time i meet one, it just leaves me disillusioned! So i told my mum, i wasn't quite interested in meeting.

Mom - What? i gave him your number, he might call you anytime to fix up a meeting.

Mee - Oh.. Ok! But...

Mom - Sometimes, the guy might not look right in pictures, but he might seem fine when you meet him and besides at 30, you can't expect to meet some young fellow!

Mee - I'm 29 and I'm still young! So i can expect to meet someone who is young!

Mom - Ohho! Just meet him, you never know..

Made face - Conversation ends!

4 days later i get a call...

Banker boy who isn't really a banker - Hi Meenal

Mee - Yes?

Banker boy who isn't really a banker - XXX here.

Mee - ok.

Banker boy... - Your mother gave me your number

Mee - oh ya! what's up?

BB - I called to fix a time on Saturday, will you be free?

Mee - YEa, sure! where? and what time?

BB - 630 at Vaishali!

Mee - Ok (Oh no! What if i meet someone there??)

Anyway, this conversation happened in Marathi and English - He spoke Marathi, I spoke English.

Ok! you should know i have this reservation about speaking in Marathi with strangers. Not like i speak badly, but i'm just conscious. So I'm automatically conversing in English.

Come Saturday, my house is back to being excited. "What will you wear?", "Please! go to the parlor!", "don't be judgmental!", etc.

So i decided to leave home early, catch a film, visit the parlor and then go meet boy.

Watching a movie was a super bad idea - All those hopes came flying back! Prince Charming, perfect Man, funny boy... AAArrrrggghhh!!!

Battling traffic, phone calls and mad cops on the road, I've finally reached Vaishali!

There he is! Looks at me, awkward, doesn't know what to do and BAM! all that hope about meeting the right guy just came crashing down. This guy is not just shy but he's so unsure of what to do, it makes me want to take his head and slam it on Anna's cash counter!

I reach out my hand, shook his hand - "What's up?"

BB - Hello!

Mee - :) should we go in?

BB waddles in, wondering if he should let me go first or should he lead? GODDD!! in the process, I slam into people walking in and out of the restaurant.We both look at each other and smile (I'm actually rolling my eyes too)

Of course, this isn't  a movie, so Vaishali is not miraculously empty on a Saturday evening - So we wait for a table. I decide to stop being a bitch and initiate conversation.

Mee (in English) - So... How often do you come here?

BB (in English) - What?

Mee (deep breath) - How often do you come here?

BB (confused) - Errr... 630!

I let out a laugh, saw him notice and then camouflaged it with a Cough and looked left - right!

Anna leads us to a table... we sit ourselves and we're given the menu.

BB (in Marathi) - what will you have?

Mee (already decided) - Cutlets! What are you having?

BB (in English) - Actually, I'm fasting!

Mee - What? are you serious? Like you fast on Saturdays?

BB - Yes!

Mee - But Saturday nights are the best nights!

BB (smiling & in  Marathi) - I fast on Saturdays and Mondays and on important Thursdays!

Banker Boy who isn't really a banker RECHRISTENED to FASTer FENE!

Mee (wondering what to say next) - Oh! So you're really not going to eat anything?

Faster Fene (in English) - I think, Sabudana Wada!

Anna is here to take order - I rattle off my order, point my finger to FF and demand for a "sabudana Wada" - Anna asks if we want chai or coffee - i say no, point my finger at FF and he nods and i say "nahi! bus itna hi! Jaldi leke aaiye!"

Oops.. Why did I have to say Jaldi?? Anyway... Now that i had taken the scene in my control, I was obliged to ask the next question.

Mee - So what do you do?

FF - I work with "bank", in the IT

Mee (trying very hard to not make a face, since I'm allergic to IT guys) - Oh! So you're one of those IT guys who solves everything by asking the staff to restart their computers if anything goes wrong? Hehehehehe!!

FF (looking confused) - He! He! We're actually back end support staff.

BACK END SUPPORT?!?!?!?!? I've heard that term before, but when this guy said it, I suddenly got some howlariously funny mental images!

Mee - So, how many siblings do you have?

FF - Sorry?

Mee - How many brother / sisters do you have?

FF - I have one brother he works with "Software Company"

Mee - ok! So you are Back End support meaning like software stuff?

FF - yes.. (SOFTWARE JARGON in horribly framed sentences in ENGLISH!)

Mee (not understanding a word) - Oh! Actually i have one brother and he works with Barclays too. I think Barclays also has a software division right?

FF - yea!

Mee - Though he's not in Software, he's the country head for the credit department.

FF - oh!

Food is here... i waste no time in attacking the Cutlet!

FF (decided to do some question asking) - So How many siblings do you have?

Mee (choked on my bite, funny how he used siblings, and didn't get it when i said it!) - I just told you, i have one brother.

FF - this one works with Barclays?

Mee - Yes! (were you even listening?) He's married and has a 6 yr old.

Awkward silence...

Mee - So how many girls have you met so far?

FF (smiling) - Around 20!

Mee - Wow! You're my 8th!!

FF smiling and eating.

Mee - So what else interests you?

FF - No! How about you, no one interested in you?

Long Silence from my end - i have no clue how to answer that question! Cleared my throat...

Mee - Well, it's not always that one finds someone interesting... Which is why I've let my mother do the hunting. (Pause) So what are you expecting out of your wife? (I'm sick of asking these questions! This boy is BORING!!!)

FF (in Marathi) - Regular stuff - should be educated, must know how to have work life balance, must take care of my family... buss.. that's it! You?

Mee (not interested in anymore conversation) - Yea! me too, the usual! (i start looking here and there, I'm also wondering why doesn't want to know what  I do! So i decide to ask myself. I've had it with men not wanting to know about my profession!) So don't you want to know what i do? like for a living?

FF - Yes! yes! i know... That FM, no? you are with 91., right?

Mee - 91. ONE! yes!

FF - I know I know. ( Smiles and feels supremely confident about how he knew just about that much... )

I've finished eating, I look out for Anna, signal him for the bill and almost like my prayers were answered, my phone rings. I excuse myself, and answer it.

Friend - Hellooo!! whats up?

Mee - Nothing Much! Can i call you back?

Friend - Arre! Listen naa... call me whenever, just tell me if you know people in the sales or Marketing of radio stations in Delhi!

Mee - ummm.. yea i do! I'll call you in exactly 10 mins, I'm in the middle of something!

I hang up and he pretty much gets the picture - I want to leave, NOW! The bill is here, he reaches out for it...

Mee - You want to go dutch on this?

FF - Hein?

Mee - you want to split it?

FF - What? I cannot get you!

Mee (and i'm glad you will never GET ME!) - Half half karna hai kya???

Too late, by then he's already taken his 100 buck out and paid it and he nods and says - No! No! It's OK!

We head out, say bye and start walking in the same direction - WEIRD!!!!

It got way to uncomfortable to be walking along with him, so i decided to head into a roadside store and pick something up.

"Iss Free Cutlet ka Udhaar mere sir pe hameshaa rahega!" Maybe i need to meet another guy and pay the bill and rid myself of this obligation!

Mom was very upset. She can't seem to fathom what I want!

Mom - This boy was perfect! he earned as much as you, he was tall (not really!), looked mature (you mean old!) I just don't know what you want...I give up!

I feel sorry for Mom, she's trying real hard. We both wept a little that night - I struggle every time I see the defeat on my mother's face, when i come back from such meetings. And this time, i know, Mom's not able to deal with this Defeat!

Sunday Morning, i get up and rush to her - to see if she's OK.

Mom - Good Morning! I'm wondering if we should go meet that boy in Kothrud! What do you think? They have a factory in Mulshi!

Mee - Of course! :)

Mom's back and life feels normal...

The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VII

My family thinks that i'm way too 'forward and 'modern' for traditional mediums like match makers and matrimonial websites! So my uncle decides to call me and introduce me to a new medium, he emails me -

Dear Meenal,

I would like to invite you to a Senior Golfers' lunch party on Sat the 31st March at Poona Club Golf Course at Yerawda.Dont get frightened, I am not asking you to marry any of them (Ya! Marrying a senior golfer isn't as exciting as marrying tiger woods!i'm not sure even if THAT is exciting anymore!) but I wish to introduce you to them so that they will have you in their mind whenever their relations are looking for a good girl like you to match an alliance with their sons. (Aaah!! the sons!)

Pl think over and talk to me. (Think over, i did!) There will be some 30 people attending and many of them are Retired Army Officers having eligible sons in the army or elsewhere.(what could elsewhere mean?? interesting...) I am sending you a copy of my invitation to SeniorS for your information.

Love, kaka

So while I mentally decided to go, i forgot to call my uncle and tell him i was coming - 

Uncle on Friday evening - Hello! You never called to tell me if you were interested to come.

Mee - Ya! Ya! i'll see you tomorrow, what time?

Uncle - 1030 - 11am, it's early Lunch

Mee - HEIN!! Brunch you mean?

Uncle - Yes! looking forward to seeing you, bye!

So while I Looked forward to meeting 'Gerries' of a different kind, i also had another alliance waiting for me and yes! he too was of a different kind. 

Boy who panted heavily into the phone - Hello!!! *BREATH BREATH* Meenal?

Mee (annoyed!) - Yes! who's that?

Boy continues to pant - This *BRE is ATH* 'Name'! *BREATH*

Mee (now i could kill this Perv!) - ok! why are you talking like that?

Panting Boy - Actually your mother gave me your number, i'm 'Name Surname"!

Mee (slightly freaked out by this new boy) - Ohhh! Ok! Do you want to catch your breath and call me later?

Panting Boy - Actually, i'm very nervous! and my mother said we have to go to this girl's house... So..

Mee (not knowing how to react to a boy who is nervous on the phone i let out a laugh ) - oh don't worry! Trust me! it's fun!

PB (laughing nervously) - Oh oh! actually I'm not comfortable meeting the family, so can WE only meet first and maybe then our families can  meet?

Mee (wow! pretty brave for someone who is shitting bricks on the phone! Impressed with the effort) - Sure! when do you want to meet?

PB - Tomorrow evening?

I agreed and now i have 2 meetings lined up for Saturday - The Geriatrics Meet and Panting Boy! - Similarities? MANY!!

So here i am staring at my wardrobe, wondering what golfers would like to see their prospective Daughter in law to look like?

Mee - A summer Dress?

Bhabhi - Chaaah! ( a very maharashtrian way of saying "are you mad?")

Mee - Salwar Suit?

Bhabhi - Umm... no! something new age?

Mee - THIS?

Showed her a dress we both agreed on! (Sorry i'm skipping the fashion details - it wasn't really the most exciting dress!)

I get ready and i head out to the Golf Club, as soon as i reach I just find it super funny that i'm here to be on display! 

Mom (Before i left) - Please Laugh with your hand on your mouth and don't make a sound! All the Best!

Did she mean i often, laugh sooo loud that i let out some wind?? I didn't get it!

Anyway so here i am standing at the entrance of the restaurant with my uncle (the sweetest ever) staring at people old enough to have GRANDchildren! Which technically means there are no prospects, only long lasting "in my time" conversations! My Uncle introduces me to the hosts, who tell me that their son has had a recording studio in Mumbai for many many years and i promptly make a mental note to take his number down for TEJAS MENON's internship! (You owe me one Tejoo!)

The best part about these parties is drinking isn't taboo! Hell! Taboo was the exact opposite of what this party was... The drinks were flowing and i was going with the flow...

"Oh! You are Pramod's Daughter?" asked a gentleman. While another was interested in coming to my radio station to see how it works!

"I have no sons! but you are lovely" Scared the shit out of mee, what did he mean by that?

"You seem to be so friendly and nice! you have a pretty smile, anyone will Marry you!" Gosh! This feels like such a desperate attempt!! Suddenly i'm not liking what's happening! and I'm gulping some more of that cool Shandy on Offer! :(

So after 2 hours of being told about stories in Ladakh and meetings with the Lama! I decide to make a move and bid farewell to my new old Friends! :) Alcohol can turn the meanest enemy into Friends!

Time for Meeting Number 2 - 

I really needed a nap before i headed out to meet PB. I hadn't stored his number and i randomly SMSed somebody on my Call Log asking if we could meet at 7pm instead of 6, since i had to tend to something urgent and would only get free by 630!

Clearly, the SMS never reached him and he calls me at 6.

PB, still freaking panting!!! - Hi Meenal! I've reached what are you wearing?

Mee (almost spat the water out of my mouth, what kind of question is that?) - Uhhh.. Umm.. actually i did send you an SMS, but it's all right, i'll be there in 15 mins.

And as promised i was there in 15 mins - he had warned me that he was wearing a red checked shirt - Had he not i would have totally, gone to the only other guy in the coffee shop - Gosh ! he was pretty hot! but knowing my luck, i'm always getting the Loser! In This case, Panting Boy!

6:05pm

He stood up,shook his hands (thank god! no Sweaty palms!) and we sat.

Mee - Soo... what's up? how are you?

PB (laughing) - uhh.. actually i dont know what to say. this is soo uncomfortable!

Mee (now getting very annoyed with him for being soo low on confidence!) - Listen! relax! it's cool! I'm not really going to shoot you, if you don't match my expectations. (smile) So what do you do?

PB - SOFTWARE ! SOFTWARE! SOFTWARE BLAAHH BLAAH!! MORE SOFTWARE SOMETHING! 

6:09pm

Mee - ok! Sorry! i'm not really so much into software, so i don't get any of that shit! Sorry... i didn't mean Shit! Stuff...

PB - You know, this family meeting was very uncomfortable for me - its embarrassing when someone is checking you out all the time.

Mee - You do want to get married?

PB - Yes!

Mee - and arranged?

PB - yes! 

Mee - then you better get used to it, My Friend! 

PB - No No! i will never...

Mee - im couting 1 - 10 - he is pissing me off!

6:12

Mee - So what are you looking for? What kind of a person would you like, since that's one advantage in an arranged marriage!

PB - Ya YA! i want an understanding and Mature person

Mee (waiting for something more) - uhh.. but that's what everyone wants, i haven't met anyone who wants an immature person and throws a tantrum! Can you be specific?

PB - Uhh... Err... BREATH BREATH... Yaa Understanding like - uh... Umm.. Meaning.. like...

Mee (staring at him for another 2 minutes while he had his moment of verbal PUKE!) - You know what! I'll tell you what i'm looking for, maybe then you'll get an idea about what i mean, when i say can you be specific!

PB - Ok! ok!

Mee - So i'm looking for someone who is supremely funny! Great sense of humour! If he's not funny, atleast he should get my jokes and should be understanding enough to know when i'm serious and when im kidding. He should watch Movies - English and Hindi and must enjoy sitcoms on Comedy Central and Star world! He must definitely earn enough to sustain himself and me and our lifestyle - coz i'm planning on retiring soon and writing a book! I'm not fond of kids, so he should be open to the idea of having kids later or never! Soo.. ya! that's pretty much it.

PB (eyes wide open, still panting) - oh! oh! i'm not any of this... Mince! (gosh! it's Back!) i am also Jolly! i play pranks in office and my colleagues laugh at me (Pause) A LOT! (this was said with soo much conviction, i laughed at him too!) but i am not..

Mee (cutting in) - no no! I'm not expecting you to be like this. this is what I want... I only said it to help you form a certain person in your mind. Understanding and Mature is not technically a criteria you should be looking for - it's too generic!

PB - Yes! yes! I am looking for an understanding person (pause, Panting) like - uh! she must.. errrmm.. she must be able to take the wise decision! 

Mee (given up) - oh! (patronizing smile) SIGH! i guess, that's not me then! I make horrible decisions! (in my mind - MEETING YOU alone for coffee instead of insisting on families being there - being one of them!) So it was nice meeting you

Hand shake at 6:18pm and i'm out!

This has got to be the most Express meeting ever! I have never met anyone so quick! Not even when i bump into an acquaintance at a mall - i definitely chat up for more than 15 minutes! 

But i guess, when you're in a bad mood, everything pisses you off! None of this is beginning to feel Funny anymore OR EVEN FUN! 

I think The Shaadi.com Chronicles will have to take a sabbatical, at least for a few months! I'm pissed, tired and more importantly, borderline PANTING!