The Shaadi.com Chronicles Part VII

My family thinks that i'm way too 'forward and 'modern' for traditional mediums like match makers and matrimonial websites! So my uncle decides to call me and introduce me to a new medium, he emails me -

Dear Meenal,

I would like to invite you to a Senior Golfers' lunch party on Sat the 31st March at Poona Club Golf Course at Yerawda.Dont get frightened, I am not asking you to marry any of them (Ya! Marrying a senior golfer isn't as exciting as marrying tiger woods!i'm not sure even if THAT is exciting anymore!) but I wish to introduce you to them so that they will have you in their mind whenever their relations are looking for a good girl like you to match an alliance with their sons. (Aaah!! the sons!)

Pl think over and talk to me. (Think over, i did!) There will be some 30 people attending and many of them are Retired Army Officers having eligible sons in the army or elsewhere.(what could elsewhere mean?? interesting...) I am sending you a copy of my invitation to SeniorS for your information.

Love, kaka

So while I mentally decided to go, i forgot to call my uncle and tell him i was coming - 

Uncle on Friday evening - Hello! You never called to tell me if you were interested to come.

Mee - Ya! Ya! i'll see you tomorrow, what time?

Uncle - 1030 - 11am, it's early Lunch

Mee - HEIN!! Brunch you mean?

Uncle - Yes! looking forward to seeing you, bye!

So while I Looked forward to meeting 'Gerries' of a different kind, i also had another alliance waiting for me and yes! he too was of a different kind. 

Boy who panted heavily into the phone - Hello!!! *BREATH BREATH* Meenal?

Mee (annoyed!) - Yes! who's that?

Boy continues to pant - This *BRE is ATH* 'Name'! *BREATH*

Mee (now i could kill this Perv!) - ok! why are you talking like that?

Panting Boy - Actually your mother gave me your number, i'm 'Name Surname"!

Mee (slightly freaked out by this new boy) - Ohhh! Ok! Do you want to catch your breath and call me later?

Panting Boy - Actually, i'm very nervous! and my mother said we have to go to this girl's house... So..

Mee (not knowing how to react to a boy who is nervous on the phone i let out a laugh ) - oh don't worry! Trust me! it's fun!

PB (laughing nervously) - Oh oh! actually I'm not comfortable meeting the family, so can WE only meet first and maybe then our families can  meet?

Mee (wow! pretty brave for someone who is shitting bricks on the phone! Impressed with the effort) - Sure! when do you want to meet?

PB - Tomorrow evening?

I agreed and now i have 2 meetings lined up for Saturday - The Geriatrics Meet and Panting Boy! - Similarities? MANY!!

So here i am staring at my wardrobe, wondering what golfers would like to see their prospective Daughter in law to look like?

Mee - A summer Dress?

Bhabhi - Chaaah! ( a very maharashtrian way of saying "are you mad?")

Mee - Salwar Suit?

Bhabhi - Umm... no! something new age?

Mee - THIS?

Showed her a dress we both agreed on! (Sorry i'm skipping the fashion details - it wasn't really the most exciting dress!)

I get ready and i head out to the Golf Club, as soon as i reach I just find it super funny that i'm here to be on display! 

Mom (Before i left) - Please Laugh with your hand on your mouth and don't make a sound! All the Best!

Did she mean i often, laugh sooo loud that i let out some wind?? I didn't get it!

Anyway so here i am standing at the entrance of the restaurant with my uncle (the sweetest ever) staring at people old enough to have GRANDchildren! Which technically means there are no prospects, only long lasting "in my time" conversations! My Uncle introduces me to the hosts, who tell me that their son has had a recording studio in Mumbai for many many years and i promptly make a mental note to take his number down for TEJAS MENON's internship! (You owe me one Tejoo!)

The best part about these parties is drinking isn't taboo! Hell! Taboo was the exact opposite of what this party was... The drinks were flowing and i was going with the flow...

"Oh! You are Pramod's Daughter?" asked a gentleman. While another was interested in coming to my radio station to see how it works!

"I have no sons! but you are lovely" Scared the shit out of mee, what did he mean by that?

"You seem to be so friendly and nice! you have a pretty smile, anyone will Marry you!" Gosh! This feels like such a desperate attempt!! Suddenly i'm not liking what's happening! and I'm gulping some more of that cool Shandy on Offer! :(

So after 2 hours of being told about stories in Ladakh and meetings with the Lama! I decide to make a move and bid farewell to my new old Friends! :) Alcohol can turn the meanest enemy into Friends!

Time for Meeting Number 2 - 

I really needed a nap before i headed out to meet PB. I hadn't stored his number and i randomly SMSed somebody on my Call Log asking if we could meet at 7pm instead of 6, since i had to tend to something urgent and would only get free by 630!

Clearly, the SMS never reached him and he calls me at 6.

PB, still freaking panting!!! - Hi Meenal! I've reached what are you wearing?

Mee (almost spat the water out of my mouth, what kind of question is that?) - Uhhh.. Umm.. actually i did send you an SMS, but it's all right, i'll be there in 15 mins.

And as promised i was there in 15 mins - he had warned me that he was wearing a red checked shirt - Had he not i would have totally, gone to the only other guy in the coffee shop - Gosh ! he was pretty hot! but knowing my luck, i'm always getting the Loser! In This case, Panting Boy!

6:05pm

He stood up,shook his hands (thank god! no Sweaty palms!) and we sat.

Mee - Soo... what's up? how are you?

PB (laughing) - uhh.. actually i dont know what to say. this is soo uncomfortable!

Mee (now getting very annoyed with him for being soo low on confidence!) - Listen! relax! it's cool! I'm not really going to shoot you, if you don't match my expectations. (smile) So what do you do?

PB - SOFTWARE ! SOFTWARE! SOFTWARE BLAAHH BLAAH!! MORE SOFTWARE SOMETHING! 

6:09pm

Mee - ok! Sorry! i'm not really so much into software, so i don't get any of that shit! Sorry... i didn't mean Shit! Stuff...

PB - You know, this family meeting was very uncomfortable for me - its embarrassing when someone is checking you out all the time.

Mee - You do want to get married?

PB - Yes!

Mee - and arranged?

PB - yes! 

Mee - then you better get used to it, My Friend! 

PB - No No! i will never...

Mee - im couting 1 - 10 - he is pissing me off!

6:12

Mee - So what are you looking for? What kind of a person would you like, since that's one advantage in an arranged marriage!

PB - Ya YA! i want an understanding and Mature person

Mee (waiting for something more) - uhh.. but that's what everyone wants, i haven't met anyone who wants an immature person and throws a tantrum! Can you be specific?

PB - Uhh... Err... BREATH BREATH... Yaa Understanding like - uh... Umm.. Meaning.. like...

Mee (staring at him for another 2 minutes while he had his moment of verbal PUKE!) - You know what! I'll tell you what i'm looking for, maybe then you'll get an idea about what i mean, when i say can you be specific!

PB - Ok! ok!

Mee - So i'm looking for someone who is supremely funny! Great sense of humour! If he's not funny, atleast he should get my jokes and should be understanding enough to know when i'm serious and when im kidding. He should watch Movies - English and Hindi and must enjoy sitcoms on Comedy Central and Star world! He must definitely earn enough to sustain himself and me and our lifestyle - coz i'm planning on retiring soon and writing a book! I'm not fond of kids, so he should be open to the idea of having kids later or never! Soo.. ya! that's pretty much it.

PB (eyes wide open, still panting) - oh! oh! i'm not any of this... Mince! (gosh! it's Back!) i am also Jolly! i play pranks in office and my colleagues laugh at me (Pause) A LOT! (this was said with soo much conviction, i laughed at him too!) but i am not..

Mee (cutting in) - no no! I'm not expecting you to be like this. this is what I want... I only said it to help you form a certain person in your mind. Understanding and Mature is not technically a criteria you should be looking for - it's too generic!

PB - Yes! yes! I am looking for an understanding person (pause, Panting) like - uh! she must.. errrmm.. she must be able to take the wise decision! 

Mee (given up) - oh! (patronizing smile) SIGH! i guess, that's not me then! I make horrible decisions! (in my mind - MEETING YOU alone for coffee instead of insisting on families being there - being one of them!) So it was nice meeting you

Hand shake at 6:18pm and i'm out!

This has got to be the most Express meeting ever! I have never met anyone so quick! Not even when i bump into an acquaintance at a mall - i definitely chat up for more than 15 minutes! 

But i guess, when you're in a bad mood, everything pisses you off! None of this is beginning to feel Funny anymore OR EVEN FUN! 

I think The Shaadi.com Chronicles will have to take a sabbatical, at least for a few months! I'm pissed, tired and more importantly, borderline PANTING!